Good cop: we found her body in the river
Cop who doesn’t want people knowing he can’t swim: I was sick that day otherwise I’d have found it
You Might Also Like
FBI PROFILER, LOOKING AT PHOTOS OF MY HOUSE: White male, mid-30s, doesn’t have a lot of friends or close associations, probably read a lot about serial killers as a kid, eats a lot of bullshit food, no real skills
ME: I’m right here
FBI PROFILER: Talks like an idiot
It was hard getting over my addiction to the Hokey Pokey.
But I’ve turned myself around and that’s what it’s all about.
Yo. I spit out my drink 😂
Ever need something at the grocery store but someone is standing right in front of it? So instead of rushing them you just pretend that you’re looking at what’s right next to you and be all like “wow these are some nice bacon bits”
ME: *closes to Kill a Mockingbird*
WIFE: did you actually read it?
ME: yup
WIFE: what happens
ME: (very confidently) it was a bird massacre
Protip: When an office says it’s paperless, it usually does not include the restrooms.
Me: When I had a successful allotment, I got a lot of unexpected attention from women.
Him: Grew peas?
Me: No, just female vegetable enthusiasts.
Goth karate is easy because you already start off with a black belt.
It’s called Taco Bell because Alexander Graham Bell also invented the taco.
I prefer doing arithmetic naked. Means I can count to 21.
I carry a knife whenever I’m running late to work because that’s what Counterstrike taught me: “You always run faster with a knife”.
[séance]
“Everyone hold hands and close your eyes.”
[knocking sound]
“Speak, spirit, speak!”
“Hi. It’s the pizza guy. You ordered a medium.”
Bachelor: Will you accept this rose?
Me: Do you have any food?
My gang hand signals look a lot like the finger in the hole motion, followed by the call me gesture.
I told my 7yo that I’m a tired old man and he replied “you’re not an old man, you’re a NEW man” so if anyone is looking for a life coach I know a guy
It’s all fun and games until you have to decide “who eats the last piece of chicken appetizer” at the office dinner.
[On a date]
Him: I’m really into cars.
Me: [Trying to impress] oh yeah me too
Him: Oh nice! What’s your favorite kind?
Me: [Panicking] red
The kids are in bed
It isn’t that late
But now I will pay
For all that I ate
I hate it when I see an inflatable arm-flailing tube man and then I realize that he was actually flailing his arms at someone behind me.
One of my biggest talents is taking hundreds of screenshots that I swear I’ll need, but I never look at them again.
Everybody at the party got upset when Baby Jesus turned the wine into breast milk.
me: how many trees do you see in this picture?
my toddler: all of them.
When the nurse calls you to come get your kid 30 minutes after you drop her off at school, is about as Monday as it gets.
Painting safety tip :
When house painting from a ladder,
never step back to admire your work.
Remember Chucky? This is what he looks like now.
Totally stoked to find some chicken in my chicken noodle soup
HR: Alright people, let’s be a little more sensitive to Linda because she’s pregnant with child
Sally [who is pregnant with a hedgehog]: *sigh*
That awkward moment when you die, and all you were trying to do was take a selfie with a lion on a jungle safari..
just thinking about how I had a convo with a dude who said he thinks he’s allergic to almonds bc they make his tongue itch but chocolate is a good anti-inflammatory because his tongue doesn’t itch when it’s chocolate covered almonds…
Libraries were a good start, but we really need to keep working on the number of places where people shouldn’t be allowed to talk.