Good cop: We know it was you. Just confess.
Murderer: I didn’t do nothin’
Breaks the fourth wall cop: Your name in this tweet is Murderer.
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STUDENT: Will there be a final?
PROFESSOR: Does a bear shit in the woods?
BEAR STUDENT: *from the back row* Thats none of your damn business
Gonna start messing with people in public bathrooms and say “oh I recognize those shoes!”
I hate it when strangers question me. I’m with my kid, & this lady goes, ‘He’s cute. Who does he look like?’ I’m like, ‘Your husband’
some things should go without saying
Me: Please?
Daycare worker: No.
Me:
DW:
Me:
DW: For the last time, you’re not allowed to come in to just look at the babies.
Me: DAYCARES ARE BABY ZOOS!
your come hither look says “yes”, but the way you’re opening & closing that switchblade says “no”
Look, I can still fit into my clothes from 10 years ago.
*pants split*
*buttons pop off*
*shirt seams tear*
Too bad the workmanship is so shoddy.
I think my wife has been messing with me, my present this year was two socks that had been missing from the laundry.
One time, my dad accidentally made himself a sandwich with catfood. He thought it was liverwurst. When I asked him what he thought the cat on the packaging was all about, he said “I thought that was for decoration“
[House has collapsed]
Fireman: Your dad is stuck underneath, I’m not sure we’ll find him in time
Me: *steps nearer* GUESS I’LL BE DOING ALL THE GRILLING FROM NOW ON
*rubble starts to move*
Bacon causes cancer.
Canadian bacon apologizes.
My career goal is to immortalize every travel nightmare on the silver screen
– Tom Hanks, probably
On average I spend about $80 a year to watch bananas turn brown.
Kinda feel like this is just the razzle dazzle my resume needs.
I wonder if I’ve seen enough movies to be able to emergency land an airplane
She promised to teach me wax on, wax off. Only now my chest is bare, I’m frightened of candles, and pretty sure I still don’t know karate.
*during a magnitude 1 earthquake*
Owner of the Etch-a-sketch museum: no no No NO!
I named a large spider I saw today in my bedroom “Cotton Eye Joe” because Where’d you come from. Where’d you go.
when will chicken evolve to the point where they hatch already coated in 11 secret yet oh so delicious herbs and spices?
Ranch is mayonnaise with sprinkles.
If smartphones existed in the 80’s, most of us would have a parole officer.
Don’t you hate it when you leave your gym bag in the hot car and all your Hershey Bars melt?
Calories are way less frightening if you think of them as points and you’re going for a high score.
So, wearing fur is wrong but wearing a Hawaiian shirt is OK? Do they even know how many Hawaiians had to die to make that shirt?
parents love texting “call me as soon as you can.” then being like “i just wanted to know if you’d seen westworld”
Bicyclists, it’s one thing to hog the road, but it’s quite another to expect us to know your fancy hand signals. Also, I can see your balls.
You are never alone with Cthulhu in your mind. #WednesdayWisdom
Genie: what is your first wish
Joe: i want to be rich
Genie: granted. and what is your second wish
Rich: i want lots of money
If honey is supposed to be so great for your voice, why does it sound like Winnie the Pooh has been shotgunning bleach?