good cop: we’ve located the explosives
cop who loves eminem: now this looks like a bomb to me so everybody / stay calm for me
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My dog has been sleeping on the floor right below me so if I get off the couch he knows that I’ve moved. He’s been lying there for 5 hours. We’re both dedicated to our lifestyles
Friendly parenting reminder – as the weather starts to get nicer, don’t forget to close the windows before you yell at your kids.
the most challenging thing I’ve done all week is explain to a 4 year old where he was in photos taken 7 years ago
“Sandwich artist” is a bit pretentious sir when you’re actually a subcontractor.
Not to brag but I just filled up the gas tank and doubled the value of my car
Interviewer: How do you explain this 4 year gap on your resume?
Me: That’s when I went to Yale.
Interviewer: That’s impressive. You are hired.
Me: Thanks. I really need this Yob.
A man of commitment.
I refused to buy my 5yo a tablet, and now she’s resorted to hand-drawing angry emojis on pieces of paper to express her frustration.
make your kid’s birthday party a special one they’ll be talking about in therapy for years
Sometimes you just don’t realize you needed that emotional release until it’s over, you know?
my stomach full of six different kinds of cake: i hate u
70% of the planet is covered in water yet here I am drowning in bullshit.
The Flintstones will forever live on in our hearts and vitamins
Me: *in the dentist chair*
Dentist: OK so whilst you have several instruments and half my belly in your mouth, I’m going to take the opportunity at this exact moment to ask about your holidays and I do expect a response.
When my mother calls with a computer problem, I tell her to try shutting it off and turning it back on in 6 months.
I closed all the windows and curtains in the house. I don’t know where all this stupidity is coming from.
*Brings pen to sword fight*
Guy with sword : What’s that?
Me : Tis mightier!
*Gets beheaded*
Wife: I’ll bet you $100 you can’t go a week without drinking.
Me: Piece of cake, babe.
[one week later]
Me: Just make that a liquor store gift card.
I bought a formal gown simply because it had pockets.
Isn’t it weird that the A-hole and the B-hole are the same hole?
Dash light: “0 miles to empty.”
Me: “Bet.”
Why are ghosts and angels depicted as semi transparent is that what happens when you die they just turn your opacity down
Don’t you just hate it when you order a book called “Cooking with children” and none of the recipes involves them as an ingredient?
An easy way to know if your house is haunted is to bake a cake that says “for ghost” and see if anything takes it
[god creating raccoons]
Angel: what do I do with all the leftover tiny people hands?
God: hand me those cats.
Did you know that nuns have to eat a banana with a knife and fork?
Me: “I have octopus like reflexes.”
Person: “Don’t you mean cat like reflexes?”
Me: *squirting him with ink* “Nope.”
why count sheep when I can count my troubles
I’ve never applied makeup while driving, but I have eaten an entire rotisserie chicken.
FRIEND: Australia has 9 of the 10 world’s deadliest snakes
ME: OMG ONE ESCAPED?!
Perfecting my gay-nar. It’s an underwater homosexual detector.