Today I cleared cache and deleted cookies without making nom nom nom cookie monster noises. Because I’m a grown up.
Jk. SNACK TIME! NOM NOM NOM
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There’s a spider that’s been in the same place on my living room wall for an hour so he’s essentially also watching Shrek.
Hey whatcha eating?
“A pluot”
Wtf is a pluot?
“A cross between a plum & an apricot”
That’s really stupid.
*rides off on a liger*
cop: “sir im afraid your dog is too cool for this neighbourhood”
me: [turns his little baseball cap round right way]
cop: “ok that’s better”
Sorry I didn’t text you back, my hands are sore from karate chopping loaves of bread in half and feeding them to starving children all day.
I’ll believe corporations are people when Texas executes one.
I just ate dinner. At 4pm. I am SO prepared for my 74th birthday
Tom & Jerry had the realest beef of all time….. nvr said a word…. it was jus on sight ..
[hosting a kids show]
ME: ok everybody, what time is it?? say it loud!!
KIDS: OWL! TOUCHING! TIME!
[camera zooms in on a startled barn owl]
i want the met gala theme to be “work from home” and celebrities just wear designer sweatpants and shirts with holes in them
Friend: What’s that you’re reading?
Me: “How to Lose Weight By Eating Anything You Want”
Friend: Wow! If you don’t mind my asking, how much have you lost?
Me: $24.99.
If you die* in your dream, you die* in real life.
*pee
Ninjas owed people money. You don’t get that good at hiding without owing people money.
FRIEND: I just found out my kid lost another tooth
ME: Really? Which one?
FRIEND: Katie
ME: Wow, I didn’t know your kid named his teeth
“Don’t put it on my plate if you don’t want me to eat it!”
– me to my kid, who’s crying because I ate the playdoh burger he put on my plate
When someone you don’t wanna see tries to make plans with you
“are you sure these x-rays are safe?”
[doctor 12 feet away behind a lead wall] you’re fine
I’m pretty sure Mark Zuckerberg googled “what do humans enjoy?” and the first result was “Sweet Baby Ray’s” and he just stopped reading after that
Me: I got my YOLO tattoo covered up
GF: Good. I told you it was just a stupid fad
Me: I know
GF: What’d you get?
Me: *reveals Minion tattoo*
[working on a car]
me: this isn’t as easy as I thought
boss: get that desk off there
Two wolves? Cute. I’ve got 8 pieces of pizza in me
Friend: Hey man I haven’t seen you since you had a baby. How’s parenthood?
Me: Up at dawn. Milk. Survive. Distract. Feed. Milk. Distract. Physical activity. Feed. Milk. Asleep at sundown.
Friend: Hahaha sounds like farming.
Me: That’s right. Parents are kid farmers.
Cashier: haha that’s a lotta candy, getting ready for Halloween early eh
Me:…
Cashier:…
Me:…
Cashier:…
Me: yep
The evil clown mannequin I put in my window must be working because no one has ever broken in. Or visited me.
wrestling movies: im sad and i have something to prove to my dad
actual wrestlers: my name is Nutbuster Mike and i dont care if i die
Me: Hey, am I too wrinkly?
Daughter: You’re old, that’s going to happen.
Me: I MEANT MY SHIRT.
TIP: if ur worried about the airworthiness of the plane you’re on offer it a chip. If it eats it you’re on a seagull. Disembark immediately
The loudest noise a child can make from another room is silence
no actually it’s called an “african-american” eye, bud. and i got it cause someone beat the crap out of me for being too politically correct
i worry GPS sometimes gives me a slower route so it can clear the good roads for drivers it likes better