Good cop: where were you last Wednesday?
Cotton Eye Joe cop: where did you come from, where did you go

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Not to brag, but a top modeling agency just offered me a job as a “before” model.


Whenever I see a new couple on a date I walk up to their table, hold up my phone and tell the guy “You’re Wife Sarah says hello”.


Husband: The kids better not find out you ate their desserts.

Me in deep voice: Dead…men…tell…no…tales.


me: can i buy u a drink

girl: ladies drink free tonight, idiot



me: can u buy me a drink


date: what do you do

me: im a doctor

date: oh that’s cool

me: [remembering girls like bad boys] an unlicensed and terrible doctor


my grandpa: [watching me set up an email account] your password is 8 stars?


iโ€™d like to die of natural causes like being stabbed to death by the grand canyon


Before. b-e-f-o-r-e, not B4. We speak English, Not bingo…


[Starbucks intercom]

“Will the man that ordered the Skinny Cinnamon Dolce Latte please pick up your drink. No one is looking.”