Not to brag, but a top modeling agency just offered me a job as a “before” model.
Good cop: where were you last Wednesday?
Cotton Eye Joe cop: where did you come from, where did you go
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Whenever I see a new couple on a date I walk up to their table, hold up my phone and tell the guy “You’re Wife Sarah says hello”.
Who called them police dispatchers and not coperators?
Husband: The kids better not find out you ate their desserts.
Me in deep voice: Dead…men…tell…no…tales.
me: can i buy u a drink
girl: ladies drink free tonight, idiot
me: can u buy me a drink
date: what do you do
me: im a doctor
date: oh that’s cool
me: [remembering girls like bad boys] an unlicensed and terrible doctor
my grandpa: [watching me set up an email account] your password is 8 stars?
i’d like to die of natural causes like being stabbed to death by the grand canyon
Before. b-e-f-o-r-e, not B4. We speak English, Not bingo…
“Will the man that ordered the Skinny Cinnamon Dolce Latte please pick up your drink. No one is looking.”