Nude Descending a Staircase is both my favorite work of art and the most common entry on my criminal records.
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Don’t worry, men. Women can’t tell women to calm down either.
Oh how the tables have turned Linda…have fun getting out now! 😏😂🐶
This old lady in the grocery store was just giving me the weirdest looks and the worst piggy back ride of my life
We’re looking for a place with a nice view of the sidewalk, a big garden to dig up and a soundproof basement for storms.
–Dog House Hunters
Twitter is like Words With Sociopaths.
Me: so when will I actually receive the shark
Loan Shark: what
I started to cook breakfast and my 8yo hopped up to me and chirped, “I can make eggs.”
And then she did.
She made perfect scrabbled eggs.
How long has she been trolling me, sitting at the breakfast table pretending that she cannot even pour herself a drink?
I tried a push-up once but I decided I really do like lying on my face more.
If I were 30 years younger, I’d remember where I was going with this tweet.
how about no fine and just a warning for the first offense
Me: Walks in with an exact copy of my husband.
Him: I said cologne.
i love having one cat who is an incredibly beautiful tragic princèss and one cat who is just like WGGLLBBYLAAAHHH
I told a server I’m going to New York this weekend, so when I left he said “have a good time in New York!” and I said “you too!” so long story short, he’s coming to New York with me.
Me: Is that a Yeti cooler?
Yeti: *flicks cigarette* Cooler than what?
You look like the kinda person who eats the DO NOT EAT silica packets
I can either cut my toe nails, or majestically swoop down and grab a salmon from a river.
Dog Mechanic: The repair is gonna take longer than expected.
“Why’s that?”
Dog Mechanic: The clutch is worn out, also because I am a dog.
Me: It appears our thoughts have verbally crossed streams once again
Friend: why can’t you just say jinx?
Curling seems like the kind of game Mr. Miyagi would’ve made up to trick Daniel into cleaning his floors.
Social experiments where skinny people wear fat suits teach us to be nicer to fat people because it might be a skinny person in a fat suit.
My boyfriend told me to stop acting like a flamingo so I had to put my foot down
Wife: Why did the little mermaid wear seashells?
Me: Because she was too small for D-shells.
Wife:………………….
Watching married people in love on twitter is so refreshing…
It would be even more refreshing, if they were married to eachother
Coworker: crazy weather we’re having
Me: [as loud as possible] SHARON FOR THE LAST TIME I WILL NOT KILL YOUR HUSBAND FOR A BAG OF REDVINES
pretty drunk right now and wow there is a lot of gravity on this planet
Piracy is killing the music industry. You just try playing the guitar with a hook and a patch over your eye.
Adding “Noted muralist” to Wile E. Coyote’s Wikipedia page.
husband: we should role play tonight
me: ok you be our hot neighbor Chad
husband: huh, that’s oddly specific
me: listen Chad, it’s inappropriate that you’re in my bedroom please leave my husband will be home soon and we’re probably gonna do it
occult darling Dracula needs to get a grip. having his own dirt shipped in to sleep on, what a piece of shit. me, i’ll sleep on any dirt
Tried new pain medication, and an hour later 3 penguins in military fatigues walked into the room and told me I need to kill Mussolini’s cat