@sarcasm_inc

Good cop: where were you last Wednesday?
Cotton Eye Joe cop: where did you come from, where did you go

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@dmc1138

Not to brag, but a top modeling agency just offered me a job as a “before” model.

@ilovepie84

Whenever I see a new couple on a date I walk up to their table, hold up my phone and tell the guy “You’re Wife Sarah says hello”.

@ThisOneSayz

Husband: The kids better not find out you ate their desserts.

Me in deep voice: Dead…men…tell…no…tales.

@clichedout

me: can i buy u a drink

girl: ladies drink free tonight, idiot

me:

girl:

me: can u buy me a drink

@robots_feel

date: what do you do

me: im a doctor

date: oh that’s cool

me: [remembering girls like bad boys] an unlicensed and terrible doctor

@ClichedOut

my grandpa: [watching me set up an email account] your password is 8 stars?

@KimmyMonte

iโ€™d like to die of natural causes like being stabbed to death by the grand canyon

@lizetagge

Before. b-e-f-o-r-e, not B4. We speak English, Not bingo…

@ericsshadow

[Starbucks intercom]

“Will the man that ordered the Skinny Cinnamon Dolce Latte please pick up your drink. No one is looking.”