Good Cop: why is your baby crying
Mom: he just won’t take a nap
Pun Cop: looks like he’s
Good Cop: if u say resisting a rest i swear to god
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I don’t think fish should be allowed to eat other fish. idk. just seems weird. that’s like your coworker dude
“This is the coolest underwater sci-fi movie ever.”
-me, drunk, watching the pool vac
This summer, camp counselors all over the country will shine flashlights under their chins and read the headlines.
I always wear striped stockings in hopes someone will mistake me for a witch and drop a house on me.
If u see me talking to myself don’t say nun to me I’m having a staff meeting
Sheriff: you mean to tell me you’ve walked into this town for a lame joke set up?
Stranger: things have happened
Don’t you hate it when you forget proper terms for objects so you end up calling a “watering can” a “that waterthingie for thirsty plants, yanno it’s like a portable water holder”.
“The N stands for number – so no need to say ‘PIN number’.
“Terribly sorry, I’ll start again: ‘You’re dead if you don’t give me your PIN’.
You wanna do stuff with toys in bed? Let’s do it; I’ve already got like 3 hot wheels cars and a Barbie in there right now, so….
Him: Did you wash your hands?
Child (10): No, he didn’t.
Child (8): YOU DON’T KNOW MY LIFE!
Get in loser grandma lost at bingo and has gone after the priest.
Her: What’s this new hair stuff?
Me: Just For Men.
Her: Let me try some.
Me: But Honey, it says Just For M-
Her: Pfffft, what are they gonna do, arrest me?[faint sound of distant sirens growing louder]
Phew
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PhewThe Chosen Phew
Anime-only: Man, I can’t wait to see more of my fav character!
Manga-reader: Oh man, THAT character, oh buddy oh pal oh buddy. I ain’t gonna say WHAT happens to them, but uh, hehehe, prepare to CRY. I MUST REITERATE, I ain’t spoiling anything, BUT, that character? Hooo boy
excel: ope you don’t need that leading zero right
me: yes. that’s why i typed it th-
excel: there you go we’ve cleaned up all leading zeros
me: i need tha-
excel: zeros are icky
If by swimmer’s body you mean one who swims mouth agape through infinite oceans of butterscotch pudding then yes, I have a swimmer’s body.
My favourite way to cut carbs is with a knife.
I told my DAD to embrace his mistakes. he cried. then he hugged My brother & me.
So my mom suggested today that I use Twitter to find a boyfriend. I told her that only works if you’re already married.
What do you mean you are supposed to breathe while you eat.
If I could travel back in time to before the pandemic to give myself one bit of advice, it would be to steal more stationary from work. Much more.
After dinner the other husbands and I retire to the garage and silently take turns climbing my new ladder.
Kids: [inside playing on their phones]
Me: OMG it’s beautiful today, go outside.
[3 minutes later]
Kids: [outside playing on their phones]
[end of 1st round of my UFC debut]
Corner man: how you feeling?
Me [out of breath]: horny
Corner man: yeah you gotta stop trying to kiss him
[barbarians at the gate]
Me: I just need to let this song finish…
Aquarius: This week you’re feeling crafty. How many household items can you turn into a shank?
pretty weird how criminals don’t want their crimes investigated, what’s up with that
Kids are so dumb u think Santa’s elves made that PS4 yeah right like Sony would ever let that happen learn basic copyright law u lil shits
If you’re moving to a new house for a “fresh start,” congratulations your new house is haunted.