Good cop: you two could go away for six years each for this
Add cop: for a total of twelve years between you
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Extremely suspicious that there’s no information about brains that didn’t come from a brain
People just said “go to the gym” they never mentioned that you have to actually do things when you get there I’ve been doing this so wrong.
[first date]
Me: So what do you do?
Her: I’m a dietician.
Me: Fascinating. There are so many ways to die, right?
They say real men hunt their food, which is why I throw a spear through the box of pasta before letting it bleed out in my shopping cart.
I think I have to give up cheese and my transformation to bitter old lady is complete
who wants to go expliring
I’m such a bad ass chef that I hear music every time I cook… Hubby calls it the “smoke alarm” but whatever…I think he’s just jealous.
Bartender: A shot of whiskey can cleanse the soul
Me: *thinks back to the time I “experimented” in college* I’ll take 27 bottles please
The sign at the zoo said “Please Don’t Touch The Animals” so I put away the book of poetry I was reading to them.
mowed ⅓ of the lawn before my body remembered I haven’t exercised in 40 years
Me: One time I was swimming and a pod of whales appeared out of nowhere! Such a sudden rush of happiness!
Friend: *Nodding* Endorphins
Me: No, just whales
2022 Jesus turns water into gasoline.
Priest: Marriage lasts until death. You’re not married in heaven.
Me: Why not?
Wife: Then we’d be in hell.
Me: I’m not gonna go crazy this year
Also me: cooks 85 dishes for Thanksgiving and wonders why there are so many leftovers
[Starbucks]
Excuse me, this isn’t what I ordered.“You ordered a Grande.”
Yes, but this is Ariana Grande.
“Sir, please just take her.”
“and this blood shall be called A+”
all the other blood types: “k wow we’re like right here”
I asked my doctor if this heavily advertised, extremely ineffective medicine with many frightening side effects might be right for me.
Have you been working out? You look amazing! You should be a supermodel. I ran over your dog.
When they say shirts versus skins, they mean your own skin, not someone’s skin you brought from home.
Venn diagrams. You either love ‘em or you hate ‘em. Or you’re somewhere in the middle.
COVID-19, economic collapse, quarantine, shortages…2020 can’t get any worse, you said?
Facebook has announced it’s created rooms for Messenger.
God help us.
[first date]
I’m really nervous about this. It’s been a long time since I’ve [holds fork up and squints] used silverware.
*Ordering Chinese Food
Vanilla Ice: I’ll have egg rolls and chicken fried rice rice baby
[first date]
me: so, what’s your biggest fear?
her: snakes. i hate snakes
me: (whispering to the mongoose in my vest pocket): she’s the one
When I meet someone new I shake their hand really fast and whisper “yes, please don’t stop” because people need to learn not to talk to me.
I’m putting on weight for a movie
*eats popcorn in cinema
Pro Tip: you can’t just be sorry. You have to understand why I expect you to be sorry and be able to articulate that back to me in detail
Sweaters don’t sweat.
Jumpers don’t jump.
And knickers don’t knick.
-Just a few of the reasons that keep me up at night