Good cop: you two could go away for six years each for this
Add cop: for a total of twelve years between you
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I’d be a horrible stalker.. I’m always late
Bath bomb does not mean cannonball in to the tub. Now she is pissed and I need a new hip.
Me: Where the hell are you going with those balloons?
4yr: I need to wee!
Me: With balloons?!
4yr: Its so much fun to wee with balloons
repaired
Forgot my glasses so I’m pointing at a random spot on the menu and hoping for the best
“Be the change you want to see in the world. ”
Me: Cool, can I be a 10 and two 5’s?
My daddy always said, life is like a tray of nachos, a big hot mess held together by cheese
Keep in mind that parenting guides are written by people with enough free time & financial resources to write a parenting guide.
Him: “So, what made you agree to this blind date?”
Me: “I really need to feel something inside me other than my demons.”
Him: “Wait, wh-?”
My demon: “Shush! Let her finish. Can you believe this guy?”
Me: “I know, right?”
i get a version of this tweet a lot. and i feel like i finally nailed the reply today.
so, ya know, showing off!
parents, bringing their problem child to summer camp
Back in my day we rode our bikes without helmets. Back in my day we rode our bikes without helmets.
My 4 YO pointed out that we put socks on during the day and take them off at night and that means our feet are nocturnal
me: *easily carrying 20 grocery bags* hi 😉
her: are those empty
Kid being grounded in 1978:
YOU CAN’T GO OUTSIDE. YOU MUST STAY IN YOUR ROOM.
Kid being grounded in 2018:
YOU CAN’T STAY IN YOUR ROOM. YOU MUST GO OUTSIDE.
So this one time I was really upset and crying and this kid was like, “are you upset about your nose?” and I’ve never been so thoroughly owned by a child
Me: I’ll take a double cheeseburger, large fries and supersized coke…
Nurse: Sir, this is a colonoscopy
Look, I just feel like I shouldn’t have to bend over backward to get an exorcism.
[trial in gotham]
lawyer: please state your name for the court
bruce wayne: batman
lawyer:
judge:
jury:
bruce wayne: wait shit no
Remember when we had to smack the TV cause it wasn’t coming in clearly…I feel that way about too many people
Just signed husband up on eharmony.
Now we wait.
Not muting your mic is the new reply all
Lost my job naming hurricanes after 3 ex-girlfriends called & complained. In hindsight, including their last names may have been a bad idea.
Last night the Ghosts of Halloween Past, Present and Future visited me and all had the same message: Don’t eat 5 bags of Reese’s Pumpkins again this year.
toddler: Close your eyes and open your mouth
me [about to get hit with a bat]
If you guys are missing any mugs, they’re all on my husband’s nightstand
*after sex
No, you cannot sleep over.
Husband:
Tried to pull up my sleeve and accidentally punched myself.
It’s okay, I’ve had it coming for some time now.
The eliptical I want costs $500, the cheeseburger I want cost $1, you see my dilemma?
No thanks Olive Garden, the last place I wanna eat is somewhere that treats me like family.