Good cop: you want coffee?
Bad cop: where did you hide the money?
Cop that freelances for BuzzFeed: answer these questions to find out what type of criminal you are
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Cop: Admit it! You killed that family
Murderer: You can’t prove anything…
Cop: You know, you’re actually called “Murderer” in this thing
*Rubs a Sausage Egg McMuffin on my wrists and behind my ears*
‘Sup
Every time my neighbor puts his kayak on top of his car, I strap a bunch of pool noodles on top of mine. Two can play this game.
Rich ppl should ride ambulances to flex instead of limos or whatever. I got a limo for my senior prom big deal. I know like one person who’s ridden an ambulance and their children’s children are going to be in debt for it
Can’t believe there was a time someone had to make me take a nap.
Two things you need to know about me:
1. I am hung over.
2. Sometimes I say the word over for no reason.
Raise your hand if you’d like to go back to more simple times when clowns were in the woods scaring us.
All-day Christmas music at work, day 4:
Just Googled “Candy cane prison shank”
[bar]
DOG: Pour me a double. This day can’t get any worse…
CAT BARTENDER: [slowly pushes drink off the bar]
The owner of my AirBnB has a dog named Kevin. His human-sounding name terrified me at first.
Sometimes I’m really happy I decided to become a parent and other times I’m not calculating my Federal Tax deductions.
H: I’m going to fix our washer myself.
M: Okay, I’m going to Lowe’s to pick out our new washer.
“They’re gray with gray stripes”
– me warning my dog about skunks
People of my generation are always saying that they are shocked how little role quicksand plays in their lives, but I gotta tell you, knowing the difference between a stalagmite and a stalactite has not proved to be as critical as I expected either.
MY WIFE:We named you after our favorite songs. You were mine
LAYLA: I love that
ME: And you mine
THEME FROM DUCKTALES: No, yeah, I figured
Friend: If someone broke into my house, my dog would rip them to shreds.
Me: If someone broke into mine, my dog would make a cheese plate and open a nice bottle of wine.
Boss: My door is always open
Me: I know and it makes it really hard for me to leave work early
Customer: can you get me some sandwich sauce
Waitress: mayo?
Customer: FINE, may you get me some sandwich sauce
me *choking*
dog *grabs the sandwich I dropped and brings it to her bed*
Just a reminder that with Die Hard, Robin Hood and Love Actually, ‘Alan Rickman ruins Christmas’ is a whole movie subgenre.
I got a notice we are taking company pictures today.
*walks in dressed as Super Girl.
so, what you’re saying is, if i don’t eat an apple a day, i’ll meet a doctor?
… sounds better than tinder
According to my accountant, I’ll have to postpone my trip to Australia until the continents drift back together.
Last night my neighbour came home drunk and banged on his own door for like 5 minutes. Problem is, he lives alone….
So I went outside and told him he wasn’t there and he left!
Couples who finish each other’s sentences have killed before and will kill again.
Don’t worry. Your secret is safe with me, I won’t say a word about your “wenital werpes” *winks*
his palms are sweaty, knees weak, palms are sweaty. he forgot his lyrics already, palms are sweaty
Bummed about the early Scotland vote results. This was pretty much our best hope for seeing Shrek on a flag.
Twitter showing me Versace ads like I didn’t just bring a cheese slice in my purse to Five Guys so I wouldn’t have to pay extra for it.
Proctology is located in A55
