@collinwithtwoLs

*good cop/bad cop interrogation*
*good cop is nice to the suspect*
*bad cop shoots good cop and sets suspect free*
man he’s a bad cop

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@MarcACaputo

My daughter has a middle school government test today. So I figured the best way to help her study was to weave the material into our convo when she complained this am

@what_eve_r

my aunt: why u kids always on them phones cant u have a real conversation
me: *puts down phone* *crosses legs* why did u melt the ice caps

@SteveKoehler22

I got fired from my job as a diesel
fitter in a panties factory.

We would hold the panties up,
inspect them and say “Dese’ll fit her”

@bingowings14

My mum tells me that she turns the internet off when she goes to bed, incase you’re wondering why your screen just went blank.

@Book_Krazy

*Steals parking spot from guy backing in*

Him:*middle finger*

Me: [rolls down window] I SEE THAT YOU’RE NOT MARRIED. I ALSO AM NOT MARRIED

@secondofhername

If you date someone working for the federal government and then break up, does he become FedEx? #oksorry

@Brentweets

I almost choken on food and the whole time it was happening I was just thinking “What a cliche way for a fat person to die of”

@goodhairperson

I forgot the word “torch” earlier today so I googled “fire on a stick.” I have two degrees in English.

@TheAlexNevil

*first day as getaway driver

“I’m gonna make a Starbucks run while you’re in the bank. Who wants what?”