My daughter has a middle school government test today. So I figured the best way to help her study was to weave the material into our convo when she complained this am
*good cop/bad cop interrogation*
*good cop is nice to the suspect*
*bad cop shoots good cop and sets suspect free*
man he’s a bad cop
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my aunt: why u kids always on them phones cant u have a real conversation
me: *puts down phone* *crosses legs* why did u melt the ice caps
I got fired from my job as a diesel
fitter in a panties factory.
We would hold the panties up,
inspect them and say “Dese’ll fit her”
My mum tells me that she turns the internet off when she goes to bed, incase you’re wondering why your screen just went blank.
*Steals parking spot from guy backing in*
Me: [rolls down window] I SEE THAT YOU’RE NOT MARRIED. I ALSO AM NOT MARRIED
I’m biased: I have four buttocks.
If you date someone working for the federal government and then break up, does he become FedEx? #oksorry
I almost choken on food and the whole time it was happening I was just thinking “What a cliche way for a fat person to die of”
I forgot the word “torch” earlier today so I googled “fire on a stick.” I have two degrees in English.
*first day as getaway driver
“I’m gonna make a Starbucks run while you’re in the bank. Who wants what?”