Good day meowlady
* tips cat
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Me: Which is closer, the moon or California?
Granddaughter: The moon. I can’t see California from here.
Wife: you’re drunk
Me: no’m not
Wife: I’M JUST A POOR BOY NOBODY LOVES ME
Me: HE JURSTA PRO BROY FUMMA FLOOR FLAMLEE
Wife:
Me: ok lil bit
“Can you explain this gap in your resume” yeah man TV got like really good for a few years
“I’m here for the hookers and the booze!!!”
“Sir, this is a library.”
*whispers… “I’m here for the hookers and the booze.”
I used to tell a joke about Lot’s wife. Looking back, it wasn’t a great idea.
I’m being forced to attend a family dinner tonight at a priest’s house…
There’s no such thing as a surprise exorcism, right?
My signature move is putting on my reading glasses when I don’t understand what the person in front of me is saying.
Getting fired from the coroners office for yelling “IS IT CAKE?!” before every autopsy
Don’t ask me if I’m participating in no nut November, call me when it’s time for Donut December
Hearing them call a 25 year old hockey player a ‘veteran’ and a 28 year old player ‘old’ has done zilch for my self esteem today
‘can you smell what the Lord is cookin?’
– Christian Rock
A existential ship hitting an iceberg is called a Whytanic.
Hate your job as a calendar maker?Need a way to get fired? Easy.
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Just take a day off
I used to have a friend named CLINT then one time I wrote the letters of his name too close together on his birthday card
This year is stressful enough, I refuse to get emails from salad
While humans carry out social distancing, a group of 14 elephants broke into a village in Yunan province, looking for corn and other food. They ended up drinking 30kg of corn wine and got so drunk that they fell asleep in a nearby tea garden. 😂❤️
If a bear attacks you, play dead. Ok good, you’re about to feel like this forever
I just saw a girl hang half her body out the window of her car to give someone the finger. She is my spirit animal.
Part of the fun of buying a new house is exploring what the previous owners left behind. Old pennants, newspapers, grandma, etc.
Beyoncé: Ok now ladies let’s get in formation.
Ladies: Information about what?
Beyoncé: Dammit, ladies, we went over this.
Math problem:
Q: John has 32 candy bars. He eats 28. What does he have now?
A: Diabetes. John has diabetes.
Airbnb’s should be required to tell you their wifi password before you book because I’m second guessing this place based on “fluffycream350”.
You (drinking coffee): Drugs are bad
Me (smugly injecting heroin): Actually, coffee is a drug
Cooks you a gourmet meal almost every night.
#YeaThatsMeInARelationship
this coffee maker is handing out writing prompts for a choose-your-own-adventure vampire story
There are no atheists in the passenger seat when I drive.
british people be having sex like:
mmmm yes splendid ah indeed scrumptious carry on good heavens i’m arriving
Does the thirty minutes of cardio have to be all at once or can you spread it out over fifty years?
Don’t take me camping because if I see a bear, I will hug that bear.
Latest election news: Donald Trump narrowly leads Hillary Clinton by 4 lies.