@Bluestmoon_: Good day to everyone except people that pronounce wolves as “wolfs”.
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@iknowplacesmp6: My dad just realized that the apartment his unmarried aunt has been living in for the past 20 years with her "best friend" Irene has one bedroom. He's so confused. "Does Irene sleep on the couch? She's 83! She shouldn't be sleeping on the couch!" I'm......
@QwertyJones3: GUY ABOUT TO MURDER ME: What are you doing ME: I'm naming you godfather to my kids. Now you get them if anything happens to me GUY: DAMMIT
@PleaseBeGneiss: [restaurant] RACCOON (in trench coat): one egg WAITER: one egg? *suspicious* you’re not from around here, are you? RACCOON: t-two eggs? WAITER: ah yes, that’s a normal quantity of eggs RACCOON: *excitedly* five eggs! WAITER: *eyes narrow*
@duplicitron: Mail some pirates a treasure map leading to the exact spot where you need a hole dug for a tree.