My son: Did you hear about the guy who got injured playing peek-a-boo?
Me: No
Son: he’s in the ICU
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If you know shes had a bad day just ask her how she is doing. Then when shes talking you can think of a good tweet that makes fun of her day
Go to a botanical garden? Haha, yeah, okay. Like I want to pay money to walk through a giant salad
To prepare yourself for having a kid: Every night before bed say to your phone “Siri, Set an alarm. Surprise me.”
Easiest way to make friends? Craigslist
Hardest way? Hmm probably putting your chin on a stranger’s shoulder from behind them at an Arby’s
{playing Hide & Go Seek}
Me:*hides in pantry
Kids: ready or not here we come!
Me: *quietly opens bag of Cheetos
Kids: He’s eating again!
Wow. Just found out that in England they’re called “Alvin and the Crispmunks”.
I’ve done 10 sit-ups today, I can’t take much more of this ab use.
“Matt, you just need to date the type of person that will always be there for you!”
[tries to date pizza]
[gets friend calzoned]
2Pac won’t answer me on the ouija board which leads me to believe he’s alive and i’m high.
If you vote for yourself, does something blue appear like when you pee in a pool?
Don’t be so critical of the human race. This is the first time we’ve destroyed a planet.
my thigh gap is just a painted tunnel by Wile E. Coyote
[murder trial]
LAWYER: So you unplugged your wife’s life support for five minutes?
COMPUTER TECH: Sometimes that works.
Coyotes don’t run away – they pause and stare, like they’re trying to place you. One did this to me on the way home and I rolled down the window and said “I used to bartend at a fondue place?” He snapped his paw and said “right that’s it” and trotted off in the rain.
I just hope the crabs and the adderall aren’t in the same place
Make your day better by imagining people you don’t like floating helplessly into the sun.
2020 feels like trying to jog while both of your feet are asleep.
Every day is a struggle to resist the overwhelming biological urge to throw a frozen watermelon into a hot deep fat fryer but yes, I’d love to help you plan a formal dinner party.
Don’t you find it weird when you go to high five someone and they interlock their fingers with yours and hold it together for a few seconds?
I know you do. That’s why I do it.
Basketball
when i tell guys i want a baby i just assume they kno i don’t mean a human one. i want a baby antelope, a baby hedgehog, a baby lizard
“DO NOT HIT ME. THE TURTLES DO NOT HIT SPLINTER. I AM SPLINTER TO YOU.” -real thing I just said to my son
“if you could be any animal what would you be”
a cat
“why a cat”
[imagines being a complete shithead for literally no reason]
naps and stuff
So funny how “go to sleep” and “do parkour” sound exactly the same to kids.
To get rid of house guests I just move them from room to room closing doors until they’re on the porch and I’m behind the locked door.
I hate my earbuds.
Me: *has cold*
Internet remedies:
-feed it
-deep breaths
-stay active
-fast
-don’t breathe
-suspend yourself in mid air
-click like and subscribe
The card you sent said “Peace on Earth” but the glitter on my hand says you have made a powerful enemy.
WIFE: Do you have a hot glue gun?
ME: No but I have a sexy stapler