The cops said 911 was for emegencies only and not for me to report suspicious looking clouds.
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[cow learning about humans drinking goat milk]
um hey you know those guys eat like tin cans and stuff right…
Everytime someone on my social media says “omg you’re British” I instantly respond with well done want a cookie? 🙄🙄😂
Sometimes i think my life sucks. Then i look at the lives of others. Then it hits me. My life does suck!!
I’d like to speak to America’s manager.
[on game show]
Choose a door for a goat or a new car
“I’ll take door #2”
You’ve won the car!
*sees it’s a Kia*
“Can I have the goat instead”
I am NOT just ‘a piece of meat’ you know. I’m a ribeye steak… a bit fatty, but still quite tasty.
Ok, I lied. I’m pork butt.
Who called it your foot falling asleep and not coma toes?
Whenever somebody says “it is what it is” I reply with “and it’s not what it’s not” so they’ll realize just how stupid they sounded
[Sees restaurant is packed]
*Pays hostess $20 to read note*“Attn patrons there is a vintage yard sale across the street”
*Hipsters clear*
aliens probably fly past earth and lock their doors
Big shoutout to the Red Robin waitress who checked my ID and immediately ruined the moment by saying, “Wow you’re, like, older than my dad!”
there are differences between normal surfing and crowd surfing for example when you crowd surf people get upset if you pee
Hey Canadians, what’s the plural of ‘moose?’
Mooses?
Mooseses?
Meese?
Meeses?
Moosii?Asking for a friend.
It’s me.
I’m American.
My boss is going to fire the employee with the worst posture.
I have a hunch,
it might be me.
Of course my children don’t listen to me. I’m not YouTube.
I like when a restaurant has cloth napkins, ’cause then I can unroll them with the calculated fervor of an assassin surveying his tools.
*Sucks spider up in vacuum*
*panics*
*breaks a glass to vacuum up and finish him off*
My kids caught me eating candy and they both took turns interrogating me trying to get me to tell them where the candy stash is, but I ain’t no snitch I ain’t telling them shit!
[first day as librarian]
guy: i’m looking for a book—
me: —YOU SIR ARE IN LUCK
I bought a dog so I wouldn’t feel creepy picking up poop off the sidewalk
I’m going commando for Valentines day. He’s going to be so surprised when I parachute into his yard and blow up his house.
I’m famous people used to have talent years old.
Chipotle Employee Just Gave Guy In Front Of You More Rice
Once a year I think about how when my brother and I were 10 and my sister was 3 she ran in the living room waving an empty package laughing manically at us she ate ALL the chocolate and left us none. I looked at the pack it said EX LAX.
Then I heard her stomach rumble.
My mom (seriously) asked if my friend’s brother “still had down syndrome.” No mother, he walked it off.
date: you look nice
me: well you look very [peeks at thesaurus under the table]…ornate
SUN: [explodes]
ME: are you mad at me
If you’re not writing, that’s fine, but just know that someone else is. So, if you really want to be successful, figure out who it is and get them to stop.
Me: ‘Can I offer you something to drink?’
Waiter: ‘I’m sorry?’
Me: ‘I know, it’s weird right? Now you try.’
ME: I got pizza sauce on my mouse. I need a new one.
IT DEPARTMENT: You should just be able to wipe it off.
ME: Too late, I ate it.