@KKAlThani

“Good evening, I will be your waiter for tonight. What would you like to Instagram?” – how waiters should greet people

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@kelter1

Any zoo can be a petting zoo if you’re really good at climbing fences.

@krisv_723

Carol learned a hard lesson the day she forgot the word berry when googling blueberry waffle recipes.

@AndyAsAdjective

I bet every time Vanilla sets his razor down on the bathroom sink, he looks up in the mirror, rubs his newly smooth face & says “Shaved Ice”

@JT_IV_

Mario and Luigi fight to the death, in “The Plunger Games”.

@Gooooats

It turns out no one likes “the real me” and they have asked the priest to reverse my exorcism.

@TheDrunkStory

All semester I got 60% on my tests while sober. Took my final exam drunk and got a 84% on it – University of Wisconsin Parkside

@joshgondelman

Why do they call it “buckling a cranky baby into a car seat” and not “fasten the furious?”
(Is it still okay to do these given politics?)

@JohnLyonTweets

I’m scared to open any email with a photo attachment because of all this talk about photobombing.

@G_Faylor

[whispers in your ear] how did I get inside this ear?

@MissHavisham

*6, wailing, carrying on*
Me: You can be a dramatic little bi…llion stars, strung together, shining brightly.
9, to his sister: That’s not at all what Mom wanted to say.