Comets are just rocks that are like really really mad at you.
You Might Also Like
It hasn’t rained in so long that the grass resembles shredded wheat. So maybe I should just add milk instead of water…
Instead of death, we should just call it ‘eternity leave’
No, I didn’t ask why she had a baby goat at work with her. *shrug* Seems like a personal question.
Son: Dad, I’d like you to meet my girlfriend
Me: That’s a raccoon
Son:
Me: *tearing up* I’m so proud of you
The person who figures out how to marry someone without marrying their family too, will win the Nobel Peace Prize
A search party sounds like a fun way to look for someone.
No, officer, no one is being murdered. I just had to rinse the shampoo out of my child’s hair.
My mom has a podcast but you can only hear it if you have the password to my voicemail
This Dollar Store thesaurus sure is coming in…
*shuffle shuffle*
…hippopotamus.
Any tool’s a hammer if you’re mad enough
I would’ve been here sooner, but I was holding the door for a Canadian that insisted I go first.
Just had a drink at an airport Bubba Gump Shrimp Co and I’m appalled they don’t have a cocktail named Rum Forrest Rum.
God: i’ll just make it a combined food and air pipe with a little switch flap. That’ll probably work fine
[Jurassic Park]
JOHN HAMMOND: We’ve spared no expense!
ACCOUNTANT: There are no backup generators and you’ve hired 5 employees to run an entire island
JOHN HAMMOND: I meant on the dinosaurs
They should make statues of regular people. Like you’re walking through the park and there’s a statue of your friend Jeff
*clicks open my pocket watch with a glance before snapping it shut* as suspected I still cannot tell time
I’m not criticizing you. I just think you look awful. -My mom
LOAN OFFICER: I’m just a little unclear on the details.
DAVE: What are you not getting? I have 3 adoptive sons that are musicians and also chipmunks. They are obviously quite small and thus require custom instruments, for which I need a loan. Why is this so complicated?
Which herbal tea goes best with heroin?
Therapist: What do we say when we’re feeling sad?
Me: I need a drank n’ a tranq.
Therapist: No.
When I die I want to be dressed like a scuba diver and placed on top of Mount Everest to confuse the climbers
Kevin Spacey ordering a takeaway coffee from Starbucks and receiving the cup with ‘Kevin E’ written on the side.
Good Cop: step away from the ledge
Cat Cop [pushes person off] oops
Spider-Man
Spider-Man
Does whatever a spider can
Spins a web
Any size
Catches thieves
Eats those guys
Hey wait
Don’t do that Spider-Man
Van Gogh’s girlfriend: my dearest Vincent, lend me your ear
Him: cuts ear off
Her: I just wanted u to listen to me
Him: nah, I’m good
HADES: what happens when Aphrodites hair gets frizzy?
ZEUS: don’t-
HADES: i guess u could call her AFROdite
ZEUS: this is why we banished u
My little girl will never have daddy issues.
But her future boyfriends will.
I have three kids. I should be terrified of sex.
“This place couldn’t possibly get any messier!”
TODDLER: “Hold my bear.”