“Good evening, I will be your waiter for tonight. What would you like to Instagram?” – how waiters should greet people

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Any zoo can be a petting zoo if you’re really good at climbing fences.


Carol learned a hard lesson the day she forgot the word berry when googling blueberry waffle recipes.


I bet every time Vanilla sets his razor down on the bathroom sink, he looks up in the mirror, rubs his newly smooth face & says “Shaved Ice”


Mario and Luigi fight to the death, in “The Plunger Games”.


It turns out no one likes “the real me” and they have asked the priest to reverse my exorcism.


All semester I got 60% on my tests while sober. Took my final exam drunk and got a 84% on it – University of Wisconsin Parkside


Why do they call it “buckling a cranky baby into a car seat” and not “fasten the furious?”
(Is it still okay to do these given politics?)


I’m scared to open any email with a photo attachment because of all this talk about photobombing.


[whispers in your ear] how did I get inside this ear?


*6, wailing, carrying on*
Me: You can be a dramatic little bi…llion stars, strung together, shining brightly.
9, to his sister: That’s not at all what Mom wanted to say.