good for her
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Why does Africa get better animals than us? It’s like Africa woke up at dawn and went straight to the animal-picking office, and then all the other continents stumbled in hung over at noon.
ME: I think we’re being followed
DATE: Really?
M: [checks rear-view mirror] Yep
D: Wait you carry that around with you?
M: Just keep walking
[murder trial]
LAWYER: So you unplugged your wife’s life support for five minutes?
COMPUTER TECH: Sometimes that works.
wife: I TOLD you not to try a 360 with the grocery cart
me: It was really nice when everyone started clapping after they saw I was ok though
I try to live my life everyday as if it were my last. And who wants to do laundry on their last day? Not me…
Me: I got the vaccine!
MIL: I’m coming for a visit
Me: I don’t want it anymore!
“shark infested waters”…. you mean their home????😭
In no functioning society should the sentence “Someone stole my ape cartoon” be followed by “now my life savings are gone”
* nudges wife gently awake at 2 AM
I think my Captain America shield comes today.
me: ah finally a night when i can go to sleep early and rest up
my upstairs neighbor: it is time to learn how to play the upright bass
haha remember when I was in charge of a children’s birthday party at the pottery studio I worked at and I kicked things off by saying “alright it’s jenna’s sixth birthday, pretty impressive she’s made it this far…”
I don’t always cook dinner but when I do, I use every pan in the kitchen.
A guy saw me giving my dog water and said that he hopes I have a husband with how caring I am to my dog and I had to explain to him that men should be able to drink water on their own
“I know you don’t wanna deal with making me do schoolwork and I definitely don’t wanna deal with doing it so if you let me get away with doing less of it, it’ll make both of us happy.”
– 11yo, not wrong
A barbed wire tattoo is a great way to keep people from breaking into your upper arm.
BOUNCER FOR A COOL BAR: password?
Me: Midnight77
BOUNCER: great *grabs a poster board collage* now which one of these doesn’t contain a stop sign
Every store gives away free stuff you just have to play the game by out running the security guard
Stop telling the people you don’t agree with to go to hell or we’re gonna be surrounded by people we don’t like.
Pro tip:
If you bring her flowers to apologize, don’t bring them in a vase.
She might still be pissed. No sense in arming her.
My eyesight is just terrible since having kids. I’m always seeing double. It’s a nightmare!
Optometrist: Ma’am you have identical twins…
[rubs magic lamp]
GENIE: You get 3 wishes
“Anything?”
GENIE: No wishin for more wishes
“I wish for more genies”
GENIE: I don’t like you
Yes, I would take a bullet for you.
We’re still talking about shoplifting at the ammo store right?
Have kids, they said
Matt LeBlanc is short for his full name, Mattress LeBlanket.
yall want some gasoline milk
Me [crying]: I just don’t understand what I did wrong. Please let me in.
Automatic Door: Screw. You.
AC changed bail to basil, and now I’m sitting in jail with some lovely herbs.
That time I pointed out to the guy trying to sell a magazine subscription that I have a “No Soliciting” sign and he rolled his eyes and said, “Yeah but I’m not soliciting, I’m selling”. Thus ends the tale of why I have a “do not disturb” sign.
Washing machine doesn’t give a shit