Good for him😉🤣😉🤣😉🤣
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[drive thru] I just really need to talk about Buffy the Vampire Slayer and you’re the only one awake.
me: i’ve committed adultery. i’ve been doing a lot of adulting.
therapist: no.
If I’ve learned one thing in my almost-34-years of life on this planet, it’s that there is absolutely no dignified way to eat a yolky fried egg sandwich.
90% of moving to a new house in the summer is just figuring out which switch turns on the ceiling fan
When people start a sentence with “believe it or not” I’m like wow, those are two very good options
Every photo taken inside my house has at least one laundry basket in the background.
I instantly feel horrible when I judge someone, so I stopped.
Now I make rational conclusions based on insightful observations.
Note to self:
Used VHS tapes do not make good emergency gifts, always go with stuff from the freezer.
When it rains, are ducks like OMG my home is falling on me
Me, starting a diet:
7am: Egg white veggie omelet, fruit
9am: one slice of cake instead of two
If by loaded the dishwasher you mean did I just take eleven shots of tequila, then yes, the dishwasher is loaded
me: like taking candy from a-
giant baby: no no, please go on
Text: How come you stopped drinking?
Me: Because I kept waking up with you.
Her: I hate you.
Me: Does the Nintendo Power Hotline still exist?
Cop: I suggest using your one phone call to contact a lawyer, sir.
Masseuse: happy ending?
Me: oh yeah*20 minutes later
Masseuse: …and then Tom Hanks shows up in the park and yells the dog’s name, and Meg Ryan just knows he’s the one she loved all along…
Me: OMG their love is so pure 😭
Having sex outside isn’t as spontaneous as everyone will have you believe. Carrying the bed out there is time consuming and heavy!
*goes in bank with finger guns*
This is a robbery!
“no one’ll take you seriously-”
*switches to double barrel finger guns*
“do what he says”
Me: what are you looking forward to most this week?
8: playing with my friends!
3 (boy): seeing grandma!
3 (girl): lunch!
a psychic on the street just said “why don’t you come in for a reading sweetie” and without a beat I said “no thanks I can’t read” and I bet her psychic intuition didn’t warn her I’d say something that stupid
[ first date ]
her: i like a man who plans financially for the future
me: i swallowed $9.13 this morning that i won’t be able to spend until later
“See you later alligator”
“In a whilst crocodile”
-why we fought the British for independence
As a kid I had an imaginary friend, Jerry Lapston. He had a backstory and everything. The funniest thing though was that my little brother wanted a friend too, and in a moment of youthful innocence came up with the best creepy imaginary friend name ever: Uncle Bathingsuit
Find a penny, pick it up. All day long you’ll wtf, that thing is filthy. Wash your hands immediately.
I don’t know, man. Climbing Mt Everest looks super boring and dumb. You just walk uphill and are cold. No thanks.
ROMAN SOLDIER: Which one of you is Spartacus?
REBEL SLAVE 1: I’M SPARTACUS!
REBEL SLAVE 2: I’M SPARTACUS!
ME: I’m Scartapus! No, wait, I mean I’m Sta…I’m Spor… I’m Sharktopus! I’m–
ROMAN SOLDIER: Stop, we get it.
ME: Yeah, you get it. I’m that guy. *pointing at Spartacus*
I hate when people ask me if I’m all ready for Christmas. No Susan. I’m not even ready for today.
My husband bought me jewelry for Valentine’s day. He doesn’t know it yet, but that was still nice of him.
**Blood-curdling scream**
Dinner’s ready.
A relationship is like a shark, it looks better on TV
HER: I work for the Red Cross.
ME: *leaning in* That’s a huge plus.