Good for you, the 3 people trying to keep MySpace alive. Good. For. You.
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The greeter at my local Walmart is terrible at karate
Boom, boom, ching!
OTHER BOY: why are we all here anyway
ME: I think it’s for the milkshakes
LACTOSE INTOLERANT BOY IN THE YARD: oh no
“I usually don’t do this on the first date,” I say, pushing two lobsters together and making sex noises
“Have you seen my dog? He drove away from home…”
[Soldiers regrouping]
Where’s Jim?
He went M.I.A.
*Cut to Jim*
♫ All I wanna do
*bang bang bang bang*
*reloading noise*
And shoot enemies ♫
I know I joke a lot on my posts, but on a serious note, I need everyone to wish me luck…
I have a meeting at the bank later and if it’s a success, I will be out of debt and own everything I have now.
I’m so excited I can barely put on my ski mask…
My stalker just threatened to kill herself if I can’t love her back. It’s nice when problems resolve themselves.
I just saw a woman walk out of the pizza place with 8 large pizzas. Stay with me I’m gonna live stream my proposal..
It’s payday!! Time to splurge! Time to indulge! Time to blow it all on *checks notes* an Adequate Amount Of Groceries
A main part of marriage is heavy sighing to let your spouse know you are upset then saying, “nothing” when they ask what’s wrong.
Boomer: I got this toy when I was 6. I didn’t open it. Now it’s worth $1000!
Gen X: I open shoe boxes on YouTube. Now I’m a millionnaire
a murderer snaps my neck but my body just slowly starts to turn neon green
OMG IT’S GOING TO KILL US ALL!!
~ My dog every time I use a broom
Netflix announces price hike where you still pay $5.99 a month even if you don’t have an account.
I’m out here thumping watermelons like someone will murder my entire family if I pick the wrong one.
Kid: Where do babies come from?
Me: I’ll tell you when you’re older.
Kid: What happened to the rest of my fries?
Me: When a man and a woman…
All I want for Christmas is you.
Buried in my backyard.
Boating season is upon us.
The only thing we know for certain about Macron is that he is 39 years old and even that will probably change next year.
Thoughts & prayers for my son who thought his phone was charging overnight only to find he must go to school on 6%.
Explain it to me like I’m five then do it for me like I’m one hundred.
The brake is on the left, the gas peddle is on the right, & the liquor store is 4 miles ahead.
-Me teaching my 3yr old niece how to drive
[eating dinner]
wife
me
wife
me [wearing 8 Burger King crowns] If they didn’t want you to take more than one there’d be a sign
wife
me
wife
My wife is trying to turn on Alexa but keeps calling her Siri haha now I don’t feel as bad about last night.
“Boint, B-U-R-N-T, boint.” – mafia spelling bee.
the rocks need my help
TMNT gave me unrealistic expectations of city sewer systems.
9yo: My least favorite letter is “c” because it’s not fair that it can be an “s” or “k” sound.
Me:
9yo:
Me: Can I go back to sleep now?
A funny thing about the Heimlich Maneuver is that it’s impossible to pronounce if you’re choking.