Good for you when one door closes & another door opens. For the rest of us that usually means we’re in jail.
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Memoirs of a Fish Stick
I saw Jesus trending and my heart dropped. My first thought was ‘damn you 2016!’ but then i realized it was just his birthday.
ME: it’s 69 degrees in france
FRIEND: nice
ME: no paris
Nurse: You need to eat or you can’t have your pain meds.
Me: Do the thing.
Nurse:
Me:
Nurse: *holding fork*
[sigh]*makes airplane noise*
8 yr old: as you can see in my business plan, it’s a macaroni & cheese/dinosaur chicken nugget fusion food truck called Tyrannosaurus MAC.
Bank loan officer: *hands kid trunk full of money, turns in 2 week notice*
When I was pregnant and people would ask where I was registered I’d reply:
Pet Smart, we’re crate training this one
7 years ago to this day, I swallowed my gum and broke a mirror, so as you might imagine, this is a pretty big day for me.
saying “we won” after watching a sports game is like saying “we played really well” after watching a concert
Sex so bad the Oompa Loompas sang a song about it.
I just saw the movie “A star is born” and if you think it’s about the solar system you will probably be as mad as I am rn
All those years of getting horrible elementary school pictures was just society’s way of preparing you for your driver’s license photo.
You’ve been kidnapped. Your kidnappers allow you to keep tweeting to pretend everything is alright. What would you tweet that would alarm your followers without the kidnappers knowing you’re asking for help?
“And then I put in the exact amount of garlic the recipe called for.”
Date: I’m looking for someone who is courageous.
Me: I’m braver than any marine.
Marine, at the table to my left: Excuse me?
Me: Any, uh, marine animal.
Manatee, on a date with the marine: Excuse us?
Me (digging a hole): how’s this?
My clone: at least 6 feet deeper
Me: you sure there’s treasure?
My Clone: toss me up your keys bud
Hey Ben Carson, at this point in your craziness? Just say you’re Iron Man. What could it hurt?
Told my wife I’d marry her all over again, and we both understood it would only be to get more gifts.
[first day as a crime scene photographer]
me: pretty weak lighting in here
*drags the corpse outside*
My problem with the 15 minute city is what are you supposed to do with the rest of the day?
A good friend is like a four leaf clover: sometimes you accidentally run them over with a lawnmower
Me: I’ve got the singing voice of an angle
Friend: Don’t you mean angel?
M: Nope, people hear me sing and do a complete 180
9y/o~poking finger on my face.
Me(yelling)~dont touch me with your finger
Later~glad he got loophole now what to do with a foot on my face
I like to stand by the side of the motorway holding a sign that says “If you were me, you’d be here now.”
ME: This is my newborn, straight from the hospital.
OTHER PARENT: You’re parenting wrong.
Can I put on a tinder account that I’ve never lost at Wordle, or is that too hot?
Ooh I do like a good funnel
I’m unpredictable. Like a dad on a field trip.
I’ve retired from twitter to devote more time to being an email unsubscriber.
Pop up from someone’s backseat to show you care.
My rapper name would be “Iffy Scent”