@calluptome

Good for you when one door closes & another door opens. For the rest of us that usually means we’re in jail.

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@AndrewNadeau0

I know this is the kind of thing everyone avoids talking about, but I’m going to say it.
I think I’m smarter than most, if not all, babies.

@HomeWithPeanut

[Starts to open package of cheese]

[Hears kids running towards kitchen]

[Escapes with cheese to car]

[Drives 5 hours to hotel]

[Checks into room]

[Starts to open package of cheese]

My dog: HEEEY CHEEESE!!!

@Joyannah73

Stop playing that stupid game and pick a Netflix movie Arthur!

@Gupton68

I just asked 10 what she wants to be when she grows up and she said just like me. So, confused and listless it is then.

@Smooheed

Him: I love to feel my hair blowing in the breeze

Me: please put your pants back on

@Dave_in_SoPo

Parenting is much harder nowadays. For example, you have to be able to push a kid on a swing and tweet at the same time.

@TheBoydP

Like my wife always says, just because I’ve never seen it before doesn’t mean I didn’t lose it.

@SlabBaconBP

I find that the secret to not being insecure is to just be better than everybody at everything while being incredibly good looking.

@david8hughes

[pinned down by sniper fire]
Squad leader: I’m going in. Hughes, lay down some cover for me
Me [putting a blanket on the floor]: you betcha