Good Friday. No. Stop, I said no. NO. BAD FRIDAY. BAD.
You Might Also Like
My kids prefer apples without peel, sandwiches without crust, cherries without pits, and fathers without spare time.
I can always tell when it’s closer to Christmas. My wife replaces the hand soap with the stuff that smells like gingerbread and I spend a week looking for cookies that haven’t been made yet
cop: could you please describe the man who tried to kill you
me: yeah he was not nice
Bodyguard Idea:
Clowns. No one will come anywhere near you.
9yo: What age do kids go to normal jail?
Me: I’m not sure, I guess 18?
9yo: PHEW.
Me:
In a marriage it’s always a competition to see who can look busier, hence why I sighed and shook my head repeatedly while writing this.
I saved $38 by moving the fish tank in front of the TV during “Ellen” and telling my kids it was Finding Dory.
He’s making a list, he’s checking it twice, he’s leaving the store, he still forgot milk
[eraser factory]
BOSS: what makes u think ur right for the job?
ME: *hands him blank piece of paper* I think my resumé speaks for itself
Just got 30 orange oval stickers printed that read NOW HAMSTER FREE
I’m putting them on all the meatloaf packages in this supermarket
Son: Dad, I’m gay. Do you still love me?
Me: Ask your mother
BOSS: You’re fired
ME: For giving up my seat to a blind guy?
BOSS: You’re an Uber driver
My 9-year-old is very passionate about learning to play the piano. She’s even more passionate about learning to play the piano at 6:37 in the morning.
therapist: so, how are you feeling?
me: i’m feeling ok
therapist: great! let’s ruin that feeling by unearthing some childhood trauma
The red haired guy in the bakery
doesn’t like being called…
‘The Ginger Bread Man’*lesson learned
Search History:
Cat armor
Buy armor for cats
Cat jousting tournaments
How to stop armored cats
Cat army how to stop
national guard phone #
date: i love that you know about plots of land
me: thanks that means a lot
There’s no way the Ninja Turtles would have those ripped abs. You can’t do crunches with a shell attached to your back. Trust me I’ve tried.
*sleepy*
*so sleepy*
*SO SO sleepy*
*brush my teeth*
WIDE AWAKE.
Nobody is hungrier than a child who’s just been told it’s time for bed.
there are no buff wizards in Harry Potter, no gym in Hogwarts, no-one does a push-up at any point. I could crack Ron Weasley’s spine like a glowstick
Does anyone know how the lady reacted when Van Gogh gave her his ear? Was it positive? Cause I’m running out of ideas for gifts.
My 9yo just asked me: if I fail a test was it me who did bad or the teacher? 🤯
My daughter was giving me major attitude so I asked her if she’s seen Rapunzel and she said yes and I said keep it up and you’ll be locked in your room like that tower until your hair grows that long.
Do NOT play Yahtzee with squirrels.
Show me in the employee handbook where it says I can’t make weird noises in my cubicle
We have a winner.
When my husband asked me do something creative for dinner, I drew a cute picture of a dog on a napkin and put it next to the pizza box.
Whenever I make a list of chores I always add one or two tasks that I have already accomplished so that I can experience the immediate satisfaction of crossing them off.
A fun way to get exercise is grab a chainsaw and chase a hiker.