Good, good, good, if it isn’t that guy who isn’t very well at grammar
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I’m terrible with names…
…just ask my daughter Barry
I fell asleep at 3:45. My 5yo woke up at 6:30.
Use protection, young people.
Automated phone system: To speak to a representative, please enter the first twelve digits of pi
I’m so much like a noodle when I shower. sit in hot water for 7-8 minutes and become soft, squishy, and delicious afterwards
A pirate reminisces:
“Ar, at first, ’twas all fun and games.”
*rubs eye patch morosely*
[parent/teacher meeting]
“you must’ve read to him as a baby”
*leans forward in little desk* lady, I didn’t even know him when I was a baby
If you’re wondering whether an orchid can survive a spin in the washing machine, my 2yo can now tell you it can’t.
Welcome to middle age, where feeling a vibe is probably just a side effect of your pain meds.
me: congrats, when is the baby due
pregnant librarian: oh it’s mine i get to keep it
I assume anyone walking more than one Doberman is training them to rob banks
I’m no scientist, but if that ebola virus is communicable, that means WE CAN TALK TO IT.
Questions like, “Could you survive a cannon blast, dad?” keep my son up at night. Follow up comments like, “I guess we’ll have to wait and see,” keep me up at night.
Please be more careful with your tacos. I just found them in my mouth.
ME: *3D prints a girlfriend* Hey baby
3D Girlfriend: *3D prints a boyfriend* I have a boyfriend
On a scale of 1 to ‘Maxi pad with wings’
How self-absorbed are you?
When it’s “buy one, get one free,” I have them put the free one in a separate bag so I don’t get them mixed up.
My new year’s resolution is 1920 × 1080.
Me: My wife left me to go help colonize Mars
Therapist: That’s unsettling
Me: Actually, it’s the exact opposite
That awkward moment when a zombie is looking for brains and he walks right past you…
Give a man a fish and he’ll see if there are microwave instructions on the side.
Things I can’t tell if missus saying to me or animals.
Food is ready.
Don’t lick that.
Don’t hump that.
Stop growling.
I love you.
Put your penis away.
Get back here.
Don’t eat that.
Get out.
Come here.
What are you doing with my underwear?
Don’t bite.
I bought a high-tech mop and I’m very excited about it. Not so excited that I’m going to throw up, but it wouldn’t be a problem if I did.
My neighbor hates when I go over to borrow a cup of money.
I only shop at yard sales for haunted family heirlooms & lingerie.
Actually, I thought 50 Shades Of Grey was about Taco Bell meat.
I just heard an economist say she believes a lot of people have “pent up savings” from the pandemic like she’s never heard of Amazon.
Roadside Assistance: how can i help you
Englishman: *remembers he’s in America* i have an apartment tire
[being murdered]
me: this is free, right?
Detective: Thefts of geese from the local park have continued. Who wants to look at the report?
Me: I’ll take a gander
Detective: *eyes me suspiciously*
Cop: First name please…
“Frida”
Cop: Last name…
“Gomam”
Cop: You’re Frida Gomam?
*peels out*
Cop: Nice, nice