Mom: I don’t know where that lovely framed photo of you went, dear, you know that one with the bouffant perm, oversized glasses, and braces
Me: *stuffing a frame-shaped object in the garbage* gosh, Mom, it’s a mystery
Good grief, did you see that, Hans? A time traveller just appeared, shot Adolf and left again. I mean I know his paintings are shit but WTF
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I #respectfully #trot when you let me cross the street in front of you. I salute the #power of the automobile.
I’m not trying to sound like a conspiracy theorist but isn’t a little suspicious these hurricanes keep happening in alphabetical order??
JOKER ENDING EXPLAINED! those names were the people who worked on the film
College Daughter: Hey dad can you help me with a question on my physics homework?
Me [in my 3rd hour of trying to help my 5th grader with her Common Core Math]: OH THANK GOD SOMETHING EASY
FYI: Waterparks can’t call it a “lazy river” if they make you get out to pee.
Liven up any boring conversation by telling people you have a glass eye and then watch them try and figure out which one it is.
Doctor: Please step on the scale
Me: No weigh
murderer: line up single file so I can murder you in the most efficient way
me to the guy in line behind me: I like that he’s a businessman
“No sex tonight, I just put on clean sheets.”