Good grief, did you see that, Hans? A time traveller just appeared, shot Adolf and left again. I mean I know his paintings are shit but WTF
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Is it “butt” naked or “buck” naked? Either way, this dentist appointment is making me very uncomfortable.
her: I like my men strong
me: *lifts-*
her: but sensitive
me: *-a puppy*
excuse me, waitress?
“I’m not a waitress”
Oh, what are you then
“Well, I’m a..*turns to other burger king employee* what the hell are we?”
[looks at text from 2 days ago]
Me: Sorry about your car, do you still need a ride home?
Imagine being the person that got a message from an almighty powerful God and it was: ‘There’s going to be a floody floody’.
Why do we never see “Side effects may include spontaneous happiness, explosive giggling, uncontrollable hugging, and diarrhea”?
Rapidly approaching the tipping point at which “I’ll never be able to finish this WHOLE burrito bowl!” becomes “I should order another burrito bowl, shouldn’t I”
“How about if the villain is a psychopath out to make a skin suit?”
– Not in a kids movie, dude.
“Ok, but it’s puppy skin?”
– Oh, then YES!
You think people who drink the energy drinks would have enough energy to put the cans in the bin rather than on the ground.
What wine goes well with two ungrateful teenagers, an oppressive boss and insurmountable credit card debt?
Once a toddler learns “why?” It’s all over
Me: Hello?
Satan: I’d like to make a return
Me: ALL SALES ARE FINAL
Reverse cowboy is when you scatter the herd and actively promote bandits and wolves to take what they will.
About the only thing I’ve learned from playing Angry Birds is that the pigs could definitely benefit from a comprehensive revamp of their building codes which currently allow construction using unsecured masonry, glass, balloons, and boxes of TNT.
Kilauea volcano is 100,000 yrs old and is active
I’m 48 and I missed my show because the remote was on the other sofa
Girl if the moon can block the sun, then you can definitely block your ex
My refrigerator is so full I have to slide the Country Crock out like I’m playing Jenga
There’s a Beverly Hills restaurant so hip, it doesn’t have a name just a texture
judge: how do you plead
me: no further questions your honor
We squint at the sun because it’s bright.
We squint at people because they’re not.
just got absolutely bodied by a 4 y/o girl on the tube – i gave my gf a kiss on the head and she points and shouts “look! her daddy is giving her kisses!”
According to autocorrect, my favorite Star Wars character is Bob’s Feet.
bank robber: EVERYBODY BE COOL
me: [exists]
bank robber: WHAT DID I JUST SAY
me to the fake CIA agent: okay so you need me to put all my savings in a shoe box? all $387?
scammer: you know what never mind
That pet Koala is like, “Ain’t y’all pets too?”
Are you from iraq? …..cause i wanna see you baghdad ass up
Me singing a couple lines of a song: Alexa find this for me
Alexa: playing video
“Top 10 Creepiest Animal Sounds”
He raised an eyebrow, put his hand down and with one eye on the table, looked expressionless.
Never play poker against Mr Potato Head.
Me: I’m going to eat healthier.
My 25 y.o. son: I don’t understand why, but okay.