Good guy: *kills henchman*
Henchman: wow
Good guy: [to bad guy] I’m not going to kill you, that would make me a murderer like you
Henchman: WOW
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A lady from the Texas tax office just told me that there was no way I could screw up the form I need to fill out. I feel like that’s just a failure of imagination on her part.
I wish I was █████████ enough to be redacted.
My Bread Shop may have turned a profit if I stuck with the original name: Rolling In Dough instead of: Yeast Infection Connection.
*agrees with someone online* Yeah, I agree.
*disagrees with someone online* YOU’RE NOT JUST WRONG YOU’RE HITLER AND I HATE YOU FOREVER
A few dozen cupcakes tripped and fell into my mouth against my will.
my grandfather would be rolling in his grave if we got him the casket he asked for.
One of my favorite things about kids is that you only have to feed them once a week
Machine uprising? Ha! What can they do? Toaster gonna burn my bagel? Vending machine gonna steal my money?
Like they do now… Holy shit.
Anyone get their invitation to the coronation yet?
A step-by-step guide on how to not finish anything.
Step One: Have kids.
This is the only cartoon analysis critic I will watch
do you like my signals
I mixed them myself
Demi Lovato? Isn’t that one of those tiny coffee cups?
Just Once i’d like the Circus to Run Away with Me
[goes back in time]
Me: WOW! I can’t believe I’m seeing a real dinosau–
T-Rex: MOOOOOOOOOO!
Apatosaurus: MOOOOOO!!
Triceratops: MOOOOO!!
Me: So you guys moo
Archaeopteryx: MOOOOOOOO!
ok here’s the deal. Yes it was dumb of NASA to ask Sally Ride if she needed 100 tampons for a 7-day mission, but I would have said “Actually I need 250” because that’s free tampons from the government, babbbbyyy.
Wife: Why are you so out of breath? You drove here.
Me: Yeah but I was listening to Slayer in the car.
Welcome to Alzheimer’s Club
I see a lot of new faces today
Cutting the mail slot in my door bigger to fit a pizza box.
You’re so dead to me I sent flowers to your mother
outrunning all the dogs at the park and bringing the tennis ball back in my mouth
When you give them a gift card to a restaurant because you don’t like them enough to take to dinner.
Me, eating catfish: This looks nothing like it did on the menu.
I couldn’t bear it anymore. Lol.
– Bear suicide note.
[Arriving late to work]
Boss: *looks at watch* fourth day this week
Me: also known as Thursday, Jerry
If an Orange tries to sell you drugs, don’t buy them. Chances are you’ve already done enough drugs.
Thoughts and prayers for my starving teens suffering from fridge and pantry blindness
Flight attendant: Is there a doctor onboard?
Dad: *nudging me* that should’ve been you
Me: Not now Dad
Dad: Not asking for a Product Manager to help, are they?
Me: Dad, there’s a medical emergency happening right now
Dad: Go and see if “let’s have a follow-up meeting” helps
I love you and all but I’d push you into oncoming traffic for a large pizza and a Twix.