Crazy how Jeff Bezos could’ve ended world hunger but instead he chose to cheat on his wife, which cost even more
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“The Walking Dad,” but it’s just a guy walking around the house turning off lights and muttering that he’s “not made of money”
The best way to stop uninvited guests from stopping by your home is to always answer the door naked.
if the sun is such a cool and great star then why do all the other stars leave when it shows up
I wouldn’t complain if I died, mostly because I’d be dead.
Skyped my dad today and had a great conversation with his forehead and nose hairs…
When a man reaches 50, he starts to realize he’s got only 6 or 7 more Batmans left.
The ironic thing about the original Scooby Doo adventures was that the only real supernatural phenomena they encountered was a TALKING DOG.
Inside my chocolate wrapper was a quote that said “Hands are meant to be held.” It made me laugh. Hands are meant to be washed.
I don’t like using the locker room at the gym cuz the guys always stare when they notice my gym bag is filled with lasagna
I had a jacket stolen from me tonight. My enemies will stop at nothing to keep me from maintaining a comfortable body temperature in style
I took my hair out of the messy bun and made it a less messy bun and my husband asked if I was going somewhere.
Yesterday my son told me I was the funniest person he knows which was so sweet. Then he asked for twenty dollars.
They say you should dress for the job you want then send you home as “the stormtrooper suit is not appropriate work attire”
Officer: Do you know why I stopped you?
Me: Um…could you give me a hint?
O: You were sp–
M: No, don’t tell me-I said a hint.
O: Sir…
whoever you are. wherever you are. bring back our tupperware.
If a child’s survival depended on my ability to share bacon, I would weep greasy, bacony tears at that child’s funeral.
Angel: hey God the humans are doing another sacrifice for you
God: [sitting in a sea of goats] it’s not another goat is it
just got my engagement photos
Mom: we looked at tons of baby names-
Shakespeare: What’s in a name? That which we call a rose by any other name would smell as sweet
Mom: we picked Bertha
Shakespere: oh god ew
I’d be fine with a ghost in the house if every time a message in blood appeared on a wall it was something constructive like IS THAT WHAT YOU’RE WEARING?
Me: maybe we should let it live
Captain Ahab: *turning harpoon on me* what?
Me: uh I-I just don’t think this obsession is worthwhale
Ahab: …ha
Me: haha
Ahab: hahaha worthWHALE oh jeez
Me: haha whew *realizing I’m bleeding* when did you shoot
Ahab: oh like immediately
Person: how does writing work?
Writer: well you type & you delete. You rethink. Then you do 187 min of research & correct it. You reread & wonder if you have a grasp of English. Then you revise
Person: then you’re done with the book?
Writer: then you move to the next sentence
Aging is the worst. I miss the good ol’ days when my pain was strictly emotional.
Husband’s at Costco and sending me pics of beef stroganoff in a pouch. That’s enough excitement for one night.
*bugs bunny*
bunny: stop bothering me
my grandma just asked me if i had a boyfriend and i was like “no” and she was like “well i went to a random funeral because i was bored and that’s how i met your grandfather” ??????
“you guys got full size candy bars in there?”
A North Carolina school has removed its bathroom mirrors to stop kids from making TikToks. Ooh, you were so close, they actually do them with their phones.
Wait, 12 years a slave isn’t about marriage?
Car Salesman: If you buy this car, you’ll save $2000.
Me: I’ll save $20000 by not buying it.