@shutupmikeginn

Good job Twitter #RAW

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@MissNaughty1801

…: who do you listen to more? Mummy or daddy?
5y: mummy
…: why?
5y: mummy talks more

@sonictyrant

[Invention of the bullet proof vest]

Me: just shoot me, it’s all good

*single gunshot*

Me: *clutching my leg* the vest, Richard, shoot the vest

@E_lok44

You know that runny food on your plate that touches all the other food? That’s you, butting into a conversation.
You’re creamed corn.

@Contwixt

Good news: It works the other way around.

I entered “internal bleeding” & “unconscious” in WebMD and it said I have a stuffy nose.

Phew.

@marlespo

Twitter: Tell me I’m funny!
Instagram: Tell me I’m pretty!
Facebook: Tell me I have real friends!
Pinterest: Tell me how to knit a condom!

@thedad

Dads love giving the grill tongs a couple of test claps every few minutes

@BillDixonish

Halloween is the only day of the year you can ask someone “what are you supposed to be?” without triggering an existential crisis.

@djdarrellripley

Me: Who are you and how did you get in here?

Him: I’m a locksmith. And, I’m a locksmith.

@daemonic3

I refuse to participate in scavenger hunts because it’s still murder to shoot people even if they were digging in dumpsters.

@david8hughes

[wife drops me at the airport]
Wife: have a safe flight
Me: I have no say in the matter
Wife [already driving off]: die then