Good job with the heavy sighs, guy behind me, that should definitely help speed up the line.
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*opens “Job Interview Handbook”
*reads “dress for the job you want”
*goes to computer
*opens browser
*Googles “ladies’ bicycle seat costume”
I am a(n):
⚪️ man
⚪️ woman
🔘 unknowable entity in the deep wood
seeking:⚪️ men
⚪️ women
🔘 a morally grey companion to defend me from the wizard who has been hunting me for centuries
I’m fine with you not liking my tweets, as I’m adult enough to deal with it. Also, your moms a whore.
Me, a good parent: Oliver we talked about this [wrestling coat onto a walrus] u can still catch a cold despite your thick layer of blubber
Good morning you can pee in a cup anytime, not just at the doctors office
Me: I got you a Butler to help out around the house.
Wife: I specifically said do not get me a Butler.
Me: sorry man, she’s not interested.
Gerard Butler: [sadly] very good Sir.
If I weren’t supposed to bring my cat, the wedding invite would say that, right?
jesus thought he was impressive converting water into wine, lemme see u convert Fahrenheit into Celsius without googling it if ur so holy
Justin Timberlake: I’m bringing sexy back
Sexy: *nervously* uh no thanks I’ll get an Uber
“Ok, what shall we call these skewers of food?”
STEVE: How about a Kasteve?
BOB: I have a better idea
What do Me, Santa Claus and the Easter Bunny have in common? You guessed it: we’re all white.
I grew up in the 70s. If there was a bowl of fruit on the kitchen table it was made out of plastic and lead paint
Semicolons are like a weekend home from jail; they’re a small break between two shorter but related sentences.
If we get locked down again, I might actually be willing to chat with someone about my car’s extended warranty.
Wife: can you please rinse your hair off the soap?
Me: that’s not my hair.
Wife: then who’s hair is it?
Me: omg it’s a full moon.
Wife: so?
Me: *whispers* weresoap.
[Bad magician coroner] is this your husband’s body
[widow] no
[Bad magician coroner] isss this your husband’s body
[after death]
me: what is this place?
guy: purgatory. you hang out until we decide if you’re going to heaven or hell
me: while i wait can you tell me a purgastory lol
guy: hell it is
Wife: “these are the nice ornaments. Put them in the front of the tree”
Me: “all decorations are beautiful in their own way”
Wife (cont.) “and these are the shit ones you bury deep in the branches”
don’t smoke pots because they are made of clay and can burn your tongue
The only reason to engage with a neighbor is if either of you is on fire.
If you text your boss that you can’t come in and include the poop emoji, he doesn’t ask any questions.
The perennially hyped name “Super Moon” insults the legacy of Superman, Super Volcanoes, Supernovae, and even Super Mario.
Parenting Tip: Wear clothing with pockets so you can flip off your children inconspicuously.
Got very excited when I saw that Mastodon was trending. Was quite disappointed to discover that it had nothing to do with prehistoric animals.
Yesterday was 2/22/22. Don’t feel bad if you missed it. 3/33/33 is coming up
The person who is your first and last thought of the day is either the one who has your heart, or who’s murder you’re secretly plotting.
A homeless woman outside of Walmart winked at me this morning, long story short, it’s going to be an August wedding.
[school]
TEACHER: how was your summer?STUDENT: great, I grew a foot
TEACHER: that’s cool, can I see it?
violence is never the answer unless you’re doing a crossword and it asks “behavior involving physical force” (8 letters)
*tucking t-shirt into tighty whities*
Time to seize the day.