@Smug_Lemur

Good job with the heavy sighs, guy behind me, that should definitely help speed up the line.

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@sixfootcandy

I’m so thankful for the guy who pressed the crosswalk button 10x after watching me push it.
I bet his will be the winning push that saves the day.

@mela_shea

The monocle was popular in the 1800’s because ears hadn’t been invented yet.

@ZachWeiner

Worrying that Disney will ruin Star Wars is like worrying that a second iceberg will dive down to hit the Titanic.

@iamburtjarvis

her: what r u doing?

me: taking a photo of a glass of tap water on snapchat & see if they have-

her: oh god

me:-a water filter.

@TragicAllyHere

Things I have in common with an avocado:

-If I’m just on my own I’m pretty bland
-I swing drastically and unpredictably from too hard to too soft
-I’m pleasant for only a very brief window of time
-I’m often found with chips

@rzarosco

MY AUNT: All we can do now is pray

DOCTOR: Oh nice so I should put down this cardio thoracic surgical instrument? We’re good here?

@DadZZZasleep

[pulling my wife out of the sewer]

her: this is why you have to put the toilet seat down

@iamburtjarvis

[starbucks]

me: can i take some wifi home with me?

barista: um. sure(?)

me: [holds tupperware container in the air & closes lid] thanks.

@professorxavi

*Cute girls approaches*
“You keep glancing over here, so I thought I’d come make the first move”

*Panics*
*Starts making car alarm sounds*