Good job with the heavy sighs, guy behind me, that should definitely help speed up the line.

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I’m so thankful for the guy who pressed the crosswalk button 10x after watching me push it.
I bet his will be the winning push that saves the day.


The monocle was popular in the 1800’s because ears hadn’t been invented yet.


Worrying that Disney will ruin Star Wars is like worrying that a second iceberg will dive down to hit the Titanic.


her: what r u doing?

me: taking a photo of a glass of tap water on snapchat & see if they have-

her: oh god

me:-a water filter.


Things I have in common with an avocado:

-If I’m just on my own I’m pretty bland
-I swing drastically and unpredictably from too hard to too soft
-I’m pleasant for only a very brief window of time
-I’m often found with chips


MY AUNT: All we can do now is pray

DOCTOR: Oh nice so I should put down this cardio thoracic surgical instrument? We’re good here?


[pulling my wife out of the sewer]

her: this is why you have to put the toilet seat down



me: can i take some wifi home with me?

barista: um. sure(?)

me: [holds tupperware container in the air & closes lid] thanks.


*Cute girls approaches*
“You keep glancing over here, so I thought I’d come make the first move”

*Starts making car alarm sounds*