@Smug_Lemur

Good job with the heavy sighs, guy behind me, that should definitely help speed up the line.

You Might Also Like

@dreamthievin

A true Columbus Day sale in a mattress store would mean all the merchandise is infested with smallpox

@ScottLinnen

All I’m saying is, the minute Canada starts refining its maple syrup reserves into weapons-grade Aunt Jemimium, we’re all french toast.

@bourgeoisalien

Sometimes to take a break from frightening election news, I watch something far less horrifying like ‘The Shining’ or ‘Silence of the Lambs’

@michelleDbelle

My doctor advised me to ease back into my exercise regime. So, today I plan on driving past the gym slowly.

@BoomBoomBetty

Me: *stressed

My spouse: Do you want me here or do you want me to leave you alone?

Me, now a stressed psychopath: Both.

@Grabnpuss

You don’t have to say “I love you too,” pizza man.

But it was nice of you.

@toastymoe

Put me in your bio so I know it’s real… Just kidding, I’d rather be in your will.

@FeelingFisky

do you actually wanna go to grad school or are you just depressed and were trained to find (fleeting) fulfillment in academic success