Good job with the heavy sighs, guy behind me, that should definitely help speed up the line.

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A true Columbus Day sale in a mattress store would mean all the merchandise is infested with smallpox


All I’m saying is, the minute Canada starts refining its maple syrup reserves into weapons-grade Aunt Jemimium, we’re all french toast.


Sometimes to take a break from frightening election news, I watch something far less horrifying like ‘The Shining’ or ‘Silence of the Lambs’


My doctor advised me to ease back into my exercise regime. So, today I plan on driving past the gym slowly.


Me: *stressed

My spouse: Do you want me here or do you want me to leave you alone?

Me, now a stressed psychopath: Both.


You don’t have to say “I love you too,” pizza man.

But it was nice of you.


Put me in your bio so I know it’s real… Just kidding, I’d rather be in your will.


do you actually wanna go to grad school or are you just depressed and were trained to find (fleeting) fulfillment in academic success