Obama: joe can you please explain all the cheetos that are in the kitchen
Biden: I didn’t want Trump to feel-
Good luck robbing my house. My home security system is LEGOs on the floor.
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‘A 12 year old invented an app….No pressure though.’
(Me to my kids)
My life coach: So what would you like to see happen this year?
Me: Kangaroos being allowed to fight in the UFC
Life coach: I will literally pay you to not come here anymore.
Me: The cat left us a dead bird again
Her: He thinks he’s giving us a present
Me: No, the arrogant SOB thinks we’re too feeble to hunt for ourselves *jumps five feet straight up and snatches a squirrel off a branch*
Literally thousands of chameleons in your house right now and you don’t even know it.
I’m not racist. I hate all races equally. Especially the 100 meter dash. All short and Olympickish.
BOSS: I’m sorry mike, but you’ve been downsized
ME: (75% of my original size, in a voice 125% higher pitched) ahh maaan
Wife: It’s fine
*Miles away an old sea captain* My knee is a tingling. Aye a storm is headed this way
The year is 2065. Every adjective once used to describe another person is now deemed offensive. Noone’s left their homes in years.
Thinking that you’re on speaking terms with God is like finding out you’ve been playing both parts in an episode of “Catfish”