@mommajessiec

Good luck robbing my house. My home security system is LEGOs on the floor.

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@whytruy

Obama: joe can you please explain all the cheetos that are in the kitchen
Biden: I didn’t want Trump to feel-
Obama: Joe,
Biden: …lonely

@LorieGZ

‘A 12 year old invented an app….No pressure though.’

(Me to my kids)

@sofarrsogud

My life coach: So what would you like to see happen this year?

Me: Kangaroos being allowed to fight in the UFC

Life coach: I will literally pay you to not come here anymore.

@alexlumaga

Me: The cat left us a dead bird again
Her: He thinks he’s giving us a present
Me: No, the arrogant SOB thinks we’re too feeble to hunt for ourselves *jumps five feet straight up and snatches a squirrel off a branch*

@weinerdog4life

Literally thousands of chameleons in your house right now and you don’t even know it.

@Mikecanrant

I’m not racist. I hate all races equally. Especially the 100 meter dash. All short and Olympickish.

@michael_raphone

BOSS: I’m sorry mike, but you’ve been downsized
ME: (75% of my original size, in a voice 125% higher pitched) ahh maaan

@The_Albinoshrek

Wife: It’s fine

*Miles away an old sea captain* My knee is a tingling. Aye a storm is headed this way

@Parker_Simpson

The year is 2065. Every adjective once used to describe another person is now deemed offensive. Noone’s left their homes in years.

@rickygervais

Thinking that you’re on speaking terms with God is like finding out you’ve been playing both parts in an episode of “Catfish”