Me: Alexa, make me a drink.
Her: Mom, that’s not my name and I think you’ve had enough.
Good luck robbing my house. My home security system is LEGOs on the floor.
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Crucifixion art is so depressing. Every time I look at Jesus, I can’t help thinking…I’ll never have abs like that.
So one of team members text me to say he wasn’t well and couldn’t make it to work. I don’t think the first text was meant for me…
me: “what is a librarian’s favourite food?”
me: “SHUSHI lmao”
dog: [starts putting his toys in suitcase]
Me: I don’t want to hear it, I want to feel it!
Also me: Not like that!
I just got laid. But don’t worry, I was totally thinking about you guys the whole time.
At Dunkin Donuts-
8: Can I get choc. milk?
Me: We have that at home.
8: We have coffee at home too…
Me: WHO TAUGHT YOU LOGICAL THINKING?!
Failed long-term relationships are never a total waste. They teach you valuable life skills, like how to carve profanity into car paint.
Trojan’s next commercial should just be a guy saying “See?” while pointing at my kids when they’re fighting over a cookie.
Since Walking Dead isn’t on I’ve hid pot from my stoner friends. As they amble around looking for it I’m shooting them with paint ball guns.