Good luck to all of the parents whose kids will be eating their Easter candy and won’t be going to bed until Tuesday night.
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[Friend who gave birth a week ago]
“I’m on the treadmill!”
[Me who gave birth 18 years ago]
“My tailbone still hurts”
“Son, would you like to go to college some day, or would you like to keep ordering guac? Your choice.”
Nobody puts baby in a corndog.
Do the makers of hold music know that Mozart wrote more than one song
I went for a walk with the baby and she wanted me to sing some of her songs with her as we walked. After 2 renditions of “Wheels on the Bus” I couldn’t breathe. Beyonce is the greatest athlete alive
john denver: 🎵life is old there. older than the trees.🎶
me: wow that’s old.
john denver: 🎵younger than the mountains🎶
me: oh not that old then.
Apparently, saying “grande” in a non-Starbucks coffee shop is like shouting the wrong name during sex.
Excited for Pete Davidson to host SNL and play some of his iconic characters including Pete Davidson and Pete Davidson.
My boyfriend thinks I’m not funny. Whatever, at least I’m a real person.
me: I brought a note from my doctor
dungeon master: that’s not… look, your character has to battle
My daughter, filling out a college app, called me at home to get my home number. Big shout out to the ex-wife for pissing in my gene pool.
The most unrealistic thing about Warrior Cats isn’t the talking cats it’s their names. I’ve been around feral cats; they wouldn’t call themselves Stormheart or whatev. More like: “I am called Lord Orange. Here are my finest warriors: Orange, Orange & Also Orange.”
Me: I’ll take $1,600, Alex.
Alex Trebek: In which category?
Me: No question. I just need $1,600.
16,875,547,322 traffic-related bug deaths so far this year
jesus take the wheel, my smartwatch is telling me it’s time to stand up
just saw a tiktok of someone saying they’re “never buying garlic again” after they discovered “this hack” and literally planted garlic in their backyard a grew more. brother do u think u just discovered agriculture???
We talk a big game for a species that has a favourite cup
Mortal Kombat Announcer: FINISH HIM
Scorpion: it helps if u choke me a little
‘Drinking water successfully’ is out
‘Drinking water and letting it fall out the side of your mouth somehow and then down your chin and also to your shirt and oh god you’re sitting and the pants got hit too’ is in
Me: This relationship feels very transactional.
Cashier: You gonna buy the gum or what??
Me: My dog ran away two days ago
Dog pound: Does he have a tag?
Me [covers phone to ask wife]: Is the dog on Instagram?
Me: I hate math.
Also me: If I cut my shower down to three minutes and breakfast down to five, I can hit the nine-minute snooze three more times and only be five minutes late.
Why do they call it The Bachelor series and not Engagement Farming?
The defense rests your honor.
*camera pans to defendant taking a nap*
I’m speeding because I have to get there before I forget where I’m going.
– Are you even listening to me?
– Of course I am
– Ok, what did I just ask you?
– If I’m listening to you
I was cleaning one of my finger guns and accidentally blew a hole through my air guitar.
Last Christmas I requested the electric chair for my mother-in-law and Santa brought her a motorised recliner. FML!
Fertility group: We need some brochures about some really serious topics.
Graphic designer who is a birder on the weekend: You got it, chief.
doctor: we had to remove your appendix
JRR Tolkien: but that’s where I explain why elves hate dwarves