@caseytduncan

“Good luck tomorrow.”

* Me confusing a random stranger *

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@TheRealRHB

Doctor: Any cancer in the family?

Me: My mom is a Sagittarius, but I’ll have to check on everyone else.

Doc: …

@stevevsninjas

Magneto: Curses! How did you find my secret lair? Telepathy? Satellites?
Wolverine: every compass in town is pointing at you, bro, how do you not know this

@farleftcoast

Sometimes I get really stoned and stare at phone and wonder why I pay so much money for a government tracking device.

@samsara668

They say I can take the catheter out next week. And no, I’ll never piss on an electric fence again

@benjiovo

Who job hiring $100 a second, I’m looking for a 7:00-7:05, nothing too crazy.

@_elvishpresley_

If you watch Benjamin Buttons backwards it’s very confusing bc you can’t understand what people are saying

@Try2StopME

Friend: “Dude, me & my girlfriend are getting married.”

ME: “Wow! when?”

Friend: “Me on 27th April and she on 14th June.”

@TheAlexP

Rapunzel is my favorite story about a girl who would do anything to have her hair pulled.