“Good luck tomorrow.”
* Me confusing a random stranger *
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Protip: if your date is going to throw a drink at your face, at least open your mouth, because hey, free drink.
Hey Ben Carson, at this point in your craziness? Just say you’re Iron Man. What could it hurt?
Whoa there, pregnancy test. You just tell us yes or no and we’ll decide if it’s positive or negative.
Mom called. She was worried. Thought maybe I moved because I haven’t answered her email and she wouldn’t know the new address to send it to.
BREAKING: Jennifer Lawrence taking 2-year break from acting.
Vin Diesel is also taking a break from acting, but will keep making movies.
My proper Mom said to get fully dressed for a party and then remove one item.
But people always give me odd looks when I don’t wear pants.
Current forecast: 3-6 inches of 🔥🔥🔥🔥
How is it still this week?
*First Date
Her: Why are we at Home Depot?
Me: I wanted to see what it’s like to pick out bathroom tile with you. See if this is worth it.
Kindly respect my midwestern lifestyle and do not make any crude or irreverent jokes at this time.
me, welcoming someone into my small home filled with hand me down furniture and the random mess of life living: would you like a tour
person, for some reason: yes
“How deep should we make the shelves in this shower wall?”
“Hmm.. deep enough to hold the shampoo, but shallow enough so that a rogue current of air could send the contents of the shelf plummeting onto the person’s toes while they shower.”
“Perfect.”
Always wrinkle-check your t-shirts
ME: [rocking out front row at a concert] Woooo
THIRD CELLIST: Please sit down
ACED my prostate exam!
I wish I could just drop my body off at the gym and pick it up when it’s ready.
“I can’t please everybody.”
“You’re not pleasing anybody.”
“So you agree with me.”
50% of parenting is just trying to decide if that noise is worth walking up all of those stairs.
A lady just walked into Taco Bell, dumped every hot sauce packet in her bag and left. I should follow her. What’s the rest of her day like?
A pregnant lady was in line in front of me and a stranger asked her what she was having and she said “idk prob the chicken tenders.” Legend.
Me: lets go get a drink!
Friend: what’s the occasion?
Me: …
Friend: …
Me: I don’t understand the question.
Rose petals? Next time scatter something I can eat.
Calories don’t count if they’re connected to a celebration. Everyone knows this.
My grandma was the sweetest. I remember when I was sick she used to rub Vick’s Vapo-Rub on the cat. She was old.
My friends are fully aware that our designated meeting times are rough estimates.
Me as hostess: tonight we’re having deconstructed tater tots, deconstructed subs, and deconstructed strawberry pie
*takes guests to the grocery store*
*changes the spelling of ‘team’ to ‘teaim’*
Well that’s one problem everyone talks about fixed.
Pretty sure this is the only account you need right now➡️@thefunnytweeter
fellas is it gay to work construction? u need me to clean up a shaft?? ur gonna dump ur load where??? what size nuts do i have?? daddy chill i’m just here to werk