Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

My girlfriend and I started dating after her car ran into mine.

We met by accident

JAMES BOND (to bartender): Martini shaken not stirred

ME (acting cool): bud light shaken not stirred *opens it & it just sprays everywhere*

My wife never talks about the 99 times I watched her purse and didn’t lose it.

I worry a lot about the wild animals in my neighborhood but I’m beginning to think that they don’t worry very much about me.

I’m going to get some steel wool so I can crochet myself a new car.

Rewatched Nightmare on Elm Street and was reminded that when I was 8 I was so terrified of Freddy, Jason and Chucky that at night I would pray to them (not God) that if they spared me I’d become their Renfield and offered up my mean bus driver in exchange. We all did this, right?

Please can I keep him – he followed me home!

I’d like to meet the person who decided that if you wanted to get married fast it had to be done by Elvis

Attorney: identity theft is a serious crime

John Jacob Jingleheimerschmidt: i will explain once more

Movie where someone thinks they’re a ghost and the plot twist is they were alive the whole time

My sister sent me a pic of her wedding dress and said it looked better on to which I asked on what, fire?

[group therapy]

Frankenstein’s Monster: Nnaaahhhrr

Pavlov’s Dog: I know, right? They just couldn’t be bothered to give us names. Nothing worse than that.

Schrödinger’s Cat: There might be.

[deserted island]

friend: this coconut bra is really uncomfortable

me: stop complaining *adjusts puffer fish bra*

13: Mom, you look younger every day.
M: What do you want?
13: A new skateboard.
M: How young?
13: 29
M: Done.

What kind of monster sits in a rocking chair and doesn’t rock

“It’s a girl!” but it’s just my family finding out that our dog is not a boy like we thought for the last two months.

I read a description of my personality and it warned that I should be careful not to let myself fall into “hermit mode” and I’m like hermit mode sounds awesome how do I unlock hermit mode

When the Visa bill comes and your wife asks what are the 5 OnlyFans charges each month, just tell her they are for your Fantasy Sports Leagues.

Interviewer: What’s your biggest weakness?

Me: oh that’s a brilliant question

Interviewer: But what’s the answer?

Me: Sarcasm

My 1yo is crawling around on the floor eating a pretzel, which shouldn’t be a problem except I don’t remember the last time I bought pretzels.

*Person in front of me using 73 coupons*

Customers behind me: huffing and puffing

Me: [eyes glued to screen] That one was for $2! Yahhhhss

Hansel and Gretel is my favorite story about eating children.

If I had a time machine, I would go back to the day we first let my daughter watch SpongeBob SquarePants and just destroy our TV

I tried to make a batch of rum balls. But now they’re just balls and i’m drunk.

haha sucks for women that they have to sit down to poop

My parents moved a lot when I was younger.

My sister and I always managed to track them down though.

my mum said that im not allowed to go work tomorrow because of the snow so im gonna call my manager tomorrow and tell him my mum said no

[my parents come for a visit]
i love you guys so much please stay forever you can have my bed i’ll buy dinner
[my mom puts a wooden spoon in the dishwasher]
well this has been fun,

Interviewer: I don’t think you’re a good fit for the job.

Me: [glances up from Game Boy] What makes you say that?

Find a penny
Pick it up
All day long
You’ll have lower back pain