Good luck with my paper jam, next person.
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Let he who is without sin, get the hell away from me.
came out to my parents (!) and my dad was like, oh that’s nice! i thought you were going to ask for money!
Why is fruit so expensive?
I want some raspberries, not the tears of Jesus.
How do I get people to bring me various casseroles without hosting a wake?
Peace was never an option
4 drew a picture of a unicorn and asked if I’d stick it on the fridge and I said no because unicorns don’t like cold places but really it’s because the drawing was shit
My kids’ french fries were fried in peanut oil and the way I see it that counts as protein
Dating Couple, finishing each other’s sentences: We’re so perfect for each other
Married Couple, finishing each other’s sentences: WILL YOU LET ME FINISH??!!
Ordered ribs so I’d have to put my phone down. Discovered new talent. Pinky scroll
I lost the birth video of my son so I’m at the labour ward hoping to recreate it. I’ll just zoom in close so my wife won’t be able to tell.
ME: Ok, I’m sorry I played my banjo during the wedding ceremony.
WIFE: It was OUR wedding ceremony.
I’ve been getting some anonymous fortune cookies from an angry American — and I think it’s time to give props for creativity…
Hypnotist: *you are getting sleepy*
Me: I can’t be hypnotized, man
Hypnotist: *waves plate of nachos before my eyes*
Me: touché
Just deep cleaned the whole house, so disaster should ensue in 3…2…
“MOM! CAN I MAKE A SMOOTHIE?”
“I’m having a public meltdown!!” – A Snowman, maybe.
You: *sneezes*
Me: [hears phrases incorrectly but appropriates them anyway] kazoo night.
ME: my wife and i are having a baby!
FRIEND: wow, that’s amazing! congratulations! sex?
ME: yes, that’s how we made the baby…
Anyone know how to get a drunk 52 year old dude stuck in a kids booster seat out?
In other news I’m also not allowed at this Applebee’s anymore.
*wear too little makeup*
People: you look tired*wear too much makeup*
People: why are you trying so hard*start a fire*
People: calm down
My only local Taco Bell has closed, please respect my privacy at this difficult time
Just realized that my spirit animal is Winnie the Pooh.
Two words: No pants.
“Kids are great when you need help around the house.”
– People who don’t have kids
Who dies surrounded by friends. Hey Mike come over I’m dying
My parents didn’t raise me to be rude, I had to practice
Everyone’s a gangster until the grocery store switches their aisles around.
I just battle rapped my 4 year-old and rhymed “take a nap” with “piece of crap” so don’t tell me about your parenting skills.
My eyebrows are looking ferocious. They’re about to hop off my face & maul someone.
My car alarm is the driver’s door falling off onto the foot of an unsuspecting thief.
*Showing Pet Sematary to 6yo daughter
“Anyway, this is what happens to kids who don’t learn how to spell.”
I think we can all agree: It feels weird to say “The King of England” about a living person.