TMNT gave me unrealistic expectations of city sewer systems.
“Good luck with your little skits!”
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IT’S CHRISTMAS EVE, NOT CHRISTMAS STEVE!!
ME: I’m sorry, I’m just really bad with names.
HIM: Hey, don’t worry about it. Do you want to check your wallet? It’ll be on your driver’s license.
Sometimes I worry that maybe I’ll never have sex again then I look at OKCupid and kind of start to feel at peace with the idea.
Only 90’s kids will remember this! *plays outside*
WIFE: if you misinterpret one more thing I say, I’m leaving
ME: please don’t, I promise I’ll change
WIFE: ok you’ve got a week
ME: [crying] a weak what?
Me: Sorry I called out the wrong name just now
Woman: Okay but still, what the hell
Bloody Mary: Oh gross, am I in a ceiling mirror
Facebook: Nothing is private
Twitter: Everything is privates
TRAINER: you know what they say
ME: no pain! lo mein!
TRAINER: it’s “no gain”
ME: (eating Chinese food) i like this better
Who are we?
What do we want?
WE DON’T KNOW!
When do we want it?