Good marriage requires communication: My wife tells me I’m wrong, and I tell her she’s right.
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This looks like a job for..
*I rip open my jacket*
Jacket Repair Man!
*I sew my jacket back together*
Time for evil
Our dishwasher doesn’t know what hit it.
I take offense when people don’t invite me to events l’d like to turn down.
“I like to think I’m a pretty laid-back person”
*starts driving*
“LOOK AT THIS IDIOT!!! WHAT IS HE DOING?!? JUST GO, MATE!!!”
Roommate: So how was the party?
Me: Good! A lot of cool people came up and started talking to me
[flashback to party]
Cool Person: Are you in line for the bathroom?
Me: Yeah
Boss: Dan why is your hand raised?
Me: can I go to the bathroom?
Boss: Dan you’re 23. This is a business meeting
Me: so that’s a yes?
My son just turned an everything bagel into an everywhere bagel.
Interviewer: where do you see yourself in 10 years
Me: idk Where do you see YOURSELF in 10 years
Interviewer: i don’t wanna say it’s embarrassing lol
Me: come on what if we say it at the same time
Interviewer: ok deal
Me: ok, 3..2..1
In sync: making furniture for hamsters
Interviewer: Why did you bring a lawyer to a job interview?
My lawyer: You don’t have to answer that
Cheerleaders are there to tell you that your team needs to score more points & the name of your team in case you forget at any given moment
Redheads are an endangered species, I think that every city should have a petting party for them at least once a week.
~quits job, buys RV
interviewer: can you explain the 5 year gap in your resumé
me: yes
interviewer: are you going to?
me: no
My superpower is finding the humor in nearly every situation. Uncle Bob’s superpower was flying. Landing… not so much. Lol
Priest: That’s your eulogy?
her: wanna be my fwb?
me: friends with bacon???
her: …
No, I don’t want to hang out at your house. Your pot to snacks ratio is all off.
Unlike the sons, the Mumford daughters all married at young ages just for the chance to change their names and hide their unfortunate family history of angry banjo playing.
Waiting for a Sesame Street episode where Elmo puts paper over Rocco, killing him instantly
waiter: how would you like your steak cooked
me: i’d love it
Mirror mirror on the floor, who’s the worst at home decor?
To the person that lost their iPhone 13 Pro Max at Costco… Please stop calling my new phone. Thanks
*walks into hospital carrying baby*
“What’s your return policy on this thing?”
nurse: how do you rate ur pain
me: zero stars
nurse:
me: would not recommend
Maybe we should put monkeys in charge for a while just to see how it goes.
I’m a Twitter guy who is married to a Facebook girl, so I don’t understand how people of differing religions can’t get along.
Normal adult questions:
– who, what, when, where, why, howNormal 3 year old questions:
– why
– why
– why
– why
– why
– why
– why
– why
Parenting is cheering on your kid’s winning softball team all weekend and then cheering on the Sunday rain for cancelling the rest of the games.
I feel as though we’ve come too far as a society to go camping on purpose.
WHY IS THAT COTTON CANDY TALKING?!
“Grandma, that’s Niki Minaj.”
“I’m down for whatever,” I say, before falling asleep.