Good marriage requires communication: My wife tells me I’m wrong, and I tell her she’s right.

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Your sex life as a parent basically becomes “Fifty Shades of Pray Those Kids Stay Asleep.”


Detective: someone’s been stealing boats, can we look in your basement?

Me: I don’t have a basement

*sound of foghorn from basement*


*Creates Animals*

God: They’re magnificent.

Angel: Some of ur best work.

Man: Which ones go on pizza?


The ex just asked me how can one have a soulmate if one has no soul?

Wonder which of us he was referring to?


People are starting to relax about coronavirus. I coughed at the grocery store and only one person tased me.


[new snowman watching the snowfall]

Is this *gags* is this flesh?


Scientists have identified the dog particle. It is a good particle. Such a good particle yes it is. Does it want a treatsy weatsy yes it doe


Terminator: I’LL BE BACK

Me: Ok so I’ll see you…termi-later haha

Terminator: Actually I probably won’t be back


I understand why there were reindeer named Dasher, Dancer and Prancer, but how did Vixen earn her name. What is Santa hiding


If the work week didn’t already exist and someone pitched the idea of everyone working 5 out of every 7 days they’d get thrown in a volcano