@CraigChamberlin

Good marriage requires communication: My wife tells me I’m wrong, and I tell her she’s right.

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@HomeWithPeanut

Your sex life as a parent basically becomes “Fifty Shades of Pray Those Kids Stay Asleep.”

@thenatewolf

Detective: someone’s been stealing boats, can we look in your basement?

Me: I don’t have a basement

*sound of foghorn from basement*

@1slowery1

*Creates Animals*

God: They’re magnificent.

Angel: Some of ur best work.

Man: Which ones go on pizza?

@stacywawa1

The ex just asked me how can one have a soulmate if one has no soul?

Wonder which of us he was referring to?

@mommajessiec

People are starting to relax about coronavirus. I coughed at the grocery store and only one person tased me.

@ObscureGent

[new snowman watching the snowfall]

Is this *gags* is this flesh?

@leducviolet

Scientists have identified the dog particle. It is a good particle. Such a good particle yes it is. Does it want a treatsy weatsy yes it doe

@ArfMeasures

Terminator: I’LL BE BACK

Me: Ok so I’ll see you…termi-later haha

Terminator: Actually I probably won’t be back

@dundlewood

I understand why there were reindeer named Dasher, Dancer and Prancer, but how did Vixen earn her name. What is Santa hiding

@InternetHippo

If the work week didn’t already exist and someone pitched the idea of everyone working 5 out of every 7 days they’d get thrown in a volcano