@MariasWestSide

Good men aren’t hard to find.. if anything they’re just hard to stuff in your trunk

-true story

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@dorsalstream

Help! Lots of manta rays have washed up on the beach!

DISCUS CHAMPION: [rising from his towel] I’ve trained my whole life for this moment.

@CWKhalil

Some cats just sit there looking at you like you owe them money.

@mjkspeaks

I dated my financial advisor for like a year but I lost interest.

@daddydoubts

The year is 2073. My wife and I rest in side by side burial plots. Waking up in the middle of the night our 57yo son, for reasons beyond his understanding, digs a horizontal hole between us and gets in.

His head near his mother and his feet kicking my corpse, he sleeps.

@noneofyours99

DM – omg tazz long time no speak
Me – hi (who are you?)
DM – How have you been?

Me – okay I’m gonna need you to show me all your Avis since 2013

@Ideal_Victoria

Brain: Follow your heart
Heart: Go with your gut
Gut: Pick the grilled cheese

@Sassafrantz

My boss at Walmart said I have to stop Febreezing the homeless and that they aren’t homeless, they’re customers.

@lecalabara

Uhh, hells yeah Id like to participate in your brief survey.