@MariasWestSide

Good men aren’t hard to find.. if anything they’re just hard to stuff in your trunk

-true story

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@parilani

[driving to the next town over]
me: maybe you wanna stop and ask for directions?
husband, driving us through the boonies: nonsense

me: now maybe?
husband, passing a ‘welcome to canada’ sign: no

me: just ask already
husband, somehow in the middle of the ocean: I WILL NOT

@mollzbenn

The same friends who used to pressure me as a teen to drink & do drugs now pressure me as an adult to eat chia seeds & do crossfit.

@FatherWithTwins

7yo: What are these?

Me: Cucumbers. Last week, you said you wanted to eat more healthy.

7yo: No, I meant that DAY, not all the time

@PatsATweetin

day 1 of quarantine: i have stockpiled 1200 tubes of yogurt

day 2 of quarantine: my kids have just finished the last of the yogurt

@AnkCoupleTO

[Satan advising me on choosing the right career path] law school it is

@randypaint

[family using ouija board after my death]

brother: how is heaven?

me: S U C K S

brother: why?

me: N O D R U G S

brother: [nervously laughing] he’s prolly kidding haha dude moms here too

me: J K M O M H A H A

@noneofyours99

Me- are you still mad at me?
CW- yes!!!

*one minute later*

Me- What about now?