I knew she’d be trouble the minute she walked into my office, stumbled, knocked over the hat rack, then somehow got her feet entangled in my trench coat and, arms whirling like propellers as she tried to stay upright, sent my bourbon bottle flying, which spilled and ignited, then
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I saw my shadow this morning and it looks like I have six more weeks of dieting.
[Medusa plucking a tiny snake out of her chin]
“You’re a rather handsome woman” isn’t a great opener on Tinder apparently
If you tell my dog he’s getting a treat and forget, he will stalk you until you remember. We came in an hour ago and I just figured out why he’s been following me around and staring at me like I’m made of bacon.
Sooo romantic. He said I’m a work of art.
Or a piece of work. Something like that.
Keen silence from a dinner guest as she looks across the living room and realizes I made her bridesmaid dress into a dog bed.
Why do we only do certain things for toddlers? Maybe I want some applause when I eat a piece of fruit.
I’ve saved $7982 in movie theater popcorn by switching to Covid
I can’t stress this enough, I will never have a need to use a hotel’s complimentary gym when I’m on vacation.
*strips naked*
“Magic mirror on the wall, who’s the fairest of them all?”
Cops: he knows we can see him from this side, right?
I’ve had whole relationships shorter than the Game of Thrones opening credits.
Dogs are like babies, you can’t actually tell people theirs is ugly.
I keep a spray bottle in my purse just in case a flash mob breaks out near me
I only eat wild caught salmon because I like to know the fishermen had a good time
Friend: I can’t stand one-uppers.
Me: I can’t stand them more.
If you’re ovulating and have sex standing up…
Is it called a standing ovulation? Asking for a friend
Look lady, I’m sure your Onlyfans is nice but let’s wait until this funeral is over to talk about it.
EARTH: Let’s just be friends
MOON: Ok I understand [circles the earth for 4 billion years]
this is my fancy nightgown it only has one stain
What kind of losers are sitting home and tweeting on a Friday night?!?!
Oh, wait…never mind.
No thanks, Trix cereal. I have enough drama in my life without a rabbit trying to steal my breakfast.
Cops have a new radar that lets them see through walls into our homes but imagine if this technology fell into the wrong hands! Oh wait…
Day 14: I notice a seam in the wall. It’s a removable panel. I crawl through a tunnel, down, down. I emerge into a space like a hangar. There is a 1/6 scale exact replica of my home, my car, my office…all the places I most often frequent. “This is not for you,” says my cat.
“They tell me you’re the greatest sniper in the world,” says the stranger.
“Maybe,” I say, tossing a can at the bin, missing it by miles.
“Did it hurt…when you fell from heaven and lost the use of your legs?”–bad pick-up line to use on a handicapped person
My kids wanted to bake something and now we have to move
– a parenting memoir
(hours before leaving on a road trip)
You know what, let’s give ourselves an entire makeover.
Me: Don’t do anything special for my birthday.
*People do special things for my birthday*
Me: Oh thank God.
People say nothing is impossible but you would be amazed at how often I do nothing.
Surprise parties for Lindsey Lohan probably have that “Intervention-y” feeling at first.