[driving to the next town over]
me: maybe you wanna stop and ask for directions?
husband, driving us through the boonies: nonsense
me: now maybe?
husband, passing a ‘welcome to canada’ sign: no
me: just ask already
husband, somehow in the middle of the ocean: I WILL NOT
Good men aren’t hard to find.. if anything they’re just hard to stuff in your trunk
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The same friends who used to pressure me as a teen to drink & do drugs now pressure me as an adult to eat chia seeds & do crossfit.
for all #parents out there
Marriage: Betting someone half your shit that you’ll love them forever.
7yo: What are these?
Me: Cucumbers. Last week, you said you wanted to eat more healthy.
7yo: No, I meant that DAY, not all the time
day 1 of quarantine: i have stockpiled 1200 tubes of yogurt
day 2 of quarantine: my kids have just finished the last of the yogurt
[Satan advising me on choosing the right career path] law school it is
[family using ouija board after my death]
brother: how is heaven?
me: S U C K S
me: N O D R U G S
brother: [nervously laughing] he’s prolly kidding haha dude moms here too
me: J K M O M H A H A
Me- are you still mad at me?
*one minute later*
Me- What about now?