@Book_Krazy

Good morning babe! Do you like good girls? [Starts making you breakfast] or bad girls [burns the toast]

Him: How did you get in my house?

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@mattsurely

WOMAN: Is anyone here a doctor?!
MAN: I sure am! And I think I can. Save that man. Like eggs & ham.
W: Shutup Seuss! I meant a real doctor.

@MarfSalvador

6yo: Wow you look much better already daddy! Will you be able to have the stitches out soon?

Taxidermist: He will not

@davetureq

Ever since they started calling pole dancers “artists,” I’ve been writing on my resume that my talents include “moving in artistic circles.”

@timdonakowski

Nothing is worse than having jock itch. ESPECIALLY within 100 ft of a school or playground.

@Brentweets

Each one of us has a secret. My secret is that I can’t keep a secret. Also Jill is a lesbian.

@girlontapas

Diet app pops up “What did you have for dinner?”

*looking at glass of wine*

*turns off phone*

@KateWhineHall

Just finished up some dusting. And by dusting I mean I blew on a shelf and then sneezed 6 times in a row.

@_UltimateTwit

Like most parents, my wife and I love to proudly watch our beautiful little daughter whilst she sleeps.

Freaks her husband out though.

@AndrewNadeau0

6 YEAR OLD RENOVATOR: So over here we’ll tear up the carpet, and obviously add a lot of furniture, as the floor will be lava.

@Reverend_Scott

Thinking about having kids?

Buy a plant.

If you can keep it alive for 18 years, hopefully you’re too old to have kids by then.