How high do the levels go?
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Why isn’t everyone terrified that Mars is the only planet completely populated by robots?
What if all the snakes on that plane were emotional support snakes?
I love when I learn a new word and use it for the embourgeoisement of my vocabulary
Jan 1st: New decade going fairly well, all things considered.
Jan 2nd: Australia appears to be on fire.
Jan 3rd: World War III announced.
her: I’m a cat person
me: I’m more of a dog pers-
her: [starts licking hind leg]
me: oooOoo k
[sending nudes] I swear it’s not gonna be a photo of my cat
Me: I just killed a HUGE spider!
Him: It was actually a piece of yarn.
Me: A HUGE, scary piece of yarn!
I always blame other people for my problems and it’s all your fault.
I just smile when someone says I eat like a horse, because it’s hard to argue through a mouthful of sugar cubes.
Yesterday my boss asked why I was tardy and I said, “I don’t think you’re supposed call people that any more.”
[Calls boss]
I won’t be in today
“Why not?”
[camera pans out to a raccoon wearing sunglasses driving away in my car]
I’ve got the shits.
[Toy Story 5: The College Years]
girl: do I give you a woody?Andy: don’t– hey, don’t call it that
“Don’t be a stranger,” I say, having already forgotten the name of the person I’m talking to.
the court clerk in surfer court: do you swear to tell the truth & nothing but the truth & refrain from telling stories that are grody to the max, so help you god?
me, with my right hand in the air & my left hand on a ham sandwich: totally
Rice: for when you’re not really
hungry but still wanna eat a 1000
of something.
I need this dude and coffin dancers and I’m set!
If my kids ask, the monster under the bed can only find you if you didn’t brush your teeth
Lobsters: grabby hands
Mobsters: stabby hands
12. I think about this all the damn time
Cooking/baking shows need a normal guy in the corner for context
Everything else would seem a lot more impressive if you could also see me accidentally setting fire to myself again in the background
Sorry I called animal control about your children but I really think those tranquilizer darts did the trick.
*stands next to ATM and cheers every time someone wins money*
Granmas leave the plastic fruit display with your bite marks on it to remind you of what you did 35 years ago
Never knew why pajama tops had pockets on them, but I just filled mine up with cookies to bring back to bed and now it makes complete sense.
My level of hotness..
I learned to dance from watching the bears in the Charmin commercials.
I just bought a beautiful 18th century bowl.
It even has a little sign on the bottom that says dishwasher safe.
“Release the Kraken” I say as I push “clean” on the Roomba.
[first date at a karaoke bar]
Him: you said you had the voice of a siren
Me: I do! [grabbing the mic] Which would you prefer, ambulance or police?
The movie “Failure To Launch” but it’s a North Korean documentary
[stabbing you with a knife]
I’m just being sarcastic, lighten up.