Starbucks, where 11 members of staff frantically do things behind the counter, yet not one of these things appears to resemble a hot drink
You Might Also Like
cars have windows and can move. houses have windows and can’t move. so it’s not the windows that make the car go, it’s something else entirely
My purse is deeper than some people.
Him: This fish is too fishy.
Me: How’s your water? Too wet?
AROMATHERAPY CONUNDRUM:
Spilling a large bucket of Lavender oil all over your carpet: Very stressful, or very relaxing? #retweet #grief
cop: [making list of animals that escaped]
zookeeper: “the tigers should be your top priority”
cop: [scribbling out ducks] “obviously”
For eggplant your guests will love, lightly brush with olive oil, toss in the air and blast that bad boy with your ankle piece.
“The other day” -me referring to the year 2017
Watching the end credits of a movie so you can take note of the producer & director and never ever watch anything else that they make
●︿●
kids: the floor is lava
teens: the floor is laundry
[right before the quest for the holy grail]
king arthur: alright, WHO BROKE MY FAVORITE CUP?
I wanted a 6 pack, so I started Hip Hop abs.
Quit 1/3 of the way through.
Ended up with a 2Pac.
If I had a time machine I would go back to the Star Wars era and kill baby Darth Vader
Tombstones should just say how old the person was. I don’t wanna walk around doing grave math.
My neighbor just walked by carrying some pots for planting & I said “Looks like you won the pottery lottery!” Now everyone is mad at me.
I want to install a camera system, partly for security, but mostly so when my husband texts me asking what’s for dinner I can send him a 16 minute video montage of the kids screaming followed by a Thai take-out menu screen-shot.
My 10-year-old gets to bring 1 stuffed animal to school. So far she’s narrowed it down to 947 candidates.
everyone i ever dated is impressed when i namedrop foreign authors but never bothers to check if they’re just ikea product names (they are)
hamburger doesn’t need your help.
Owls only seem clever because they’re nocturnal. All the people you’re comparing them to are drunk.
[checking my phone]
“i hope this email finds you being mauled” ha ha what in the heck
[suddenly a bear is in my kitchen]
People be all walking and sneezing openly like it is 2019
The amount of time I’ve spent searching for my chihuahua int the back yard while she is locked in the house is astronomical
Me: *wakes up to pee at 4:30*
My brain: Oh good, you’re awake!
i’ve had too much coffee
~ amateurs
Think of a thing.
Theres an e cig flavor for that.
Genie: *rubbing temples* you could have just asked for $300 in one wish
Just walked up to a white van in the parking lot and it literally sped away.
*Blindfolds myself
*Rage eats candy
Life is not a sprint, it’s a Marathon gas station that’s always out of your favorite drink and someone is always in the restroom when you need to go.
Huh, this is a first
Never had an ambulance follow me to the gym before
They must know
Witches were never burned in the South because it led to too many arguments over BBQ techniques.