*about to kiss girl*
*butterflies in my stomach*
*I vomit, thousands of butterflies fly out*
*they pick up the girl and fly away*
Man not ag
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me: correct me if I’m wrong-
the internet: sir, we will correct you even if you’re right
[APARTMENT KITCHEN]
GUY: *pouring cooking grease down the drain* i know i shouldn’t, but what do I care, i rent
[SUBTERRANEAN LAIR OF RAT PEOPLE]
RAT KING: *grease drops on his head* that man-thing is the first to die-die
RAT WORKERS: *about to breach the surface* yes-yes
[texting my friend]
me: sorry I missed your party yesterday
friend: it’s today actually
me: read this again tomorrow then
Just got a residual check for 6 dollars for my scene in Almost Famous sooo…going to Vegas!!!!!!!!
Remember , for some unknown reason Santa doesn’t make batteries .
I always stand on the weighing scale naked to get the most accurate measurement. People at the gym need to calm down.
My wife has the flu and asked for help around the house so I bought her a Roomba
ed and stede become pen pals when ed sends this to newly divorced and moved out stede
The thing about someone cropping you out of a photo is that this person thought it’d be more off putting to be seen with you than with a dismembered arm
Me: *snuggles under electric blanket*
Husband, from the other room: Are you cooking? I smell butter or grease or something
And that’s how I know I’ve eaten too much
i could never use my superhero powers to become an actual superhero because i could never commit to the lifestyle.
oh wait, that alarm says someone is in trouble RIGHT NOW? sorry, i need at least 48 hours notice and a written form
i love horror films but this one with the killer making people stay at their desks after work is next level sick.
Apparently there’s enough room in my mouth to put more than one foot.
My mechanic said there were mice in my engine, and boy, if I thought I didn’t understand how cars worked before…
Idk how we’re supposed to tell when bleu cheese has gone bad. It’s already bad. Do we just check on it periodically to see if it’s getting worse? Then one day say “this cheese is too worse” and toss it out?
National Margarita Day is like any other day except…
“Aye yai yai yai yai yai yai yai yai yai yai”
*passes out*
And that, Romeo, is why we usually try to take a pulse first.
ME: *exists*
KID: that’s not how mommy does it
**You’re through to 911, dial 1 for human cops, dial 2 for lobster cops**
[smashes 2 frantically while crayfish tries to break down my door]
Hate seeing birds walking to their destination. It’s disingenuous. They’re just doing gravity tourism. Get back in the sky where you belong.
[on a movie date]
me: wanna kiss
date: no thanks
me: *turning to the other person next to me* what about u
Brains are sexy
Wish everyone had one
If you think Mayweather vs. McGregor is going to be a big fight, wait until my wife finds out I just paid $100 to watch it.
Him: why doesn’t anyone want me?
Me: I want you.
Him: why doesn’t anyone else want me?
What is going on? 😅
You wanna do stuff with toys in bed? Let’s do it; I’ve already got like 3 hot wheels cars and a Barbie in there right now, so….
*T-Rex stubs his toe*
OUCH I’M SO MAD. JUST… MAD. I’M…“Angry? Agitated? Irritated? Anno-”
SHUT UP THESAURUS NO ONE ASKED YOU.
[watching TV on couch]
Me: Think you’ve got enough blankets on you? I can’t even see you, ha ha.
Her: …
Me: I said, do you think you have enough blankets on you?
Her: …
Me: I’m just talking to a pile of blankets, aren’t I?
Pile of blankets: …
A “hootenanny” is someone who babysits your owls.
Roses are red, violets are blue, vodka costs less than a dinner for two.