Good morning people…..I woke up feeling myself this morning….wait that doesn’t sound right. What I meant is I woke up feeling confidant

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I don’t mean to brag, but i’m an amazing sport coach. I can make ppl run very fast.

*From me


Groom: I do.

Priest: And..

Me: can you give me a minute? [pulls best friend aside] ok what should I say because I don’t wanna look as though I like him too much and seem needy will I just say lol or make a joke.


*loses one contact on way to gym, gets there to find my membership has expired*

Me: [one eye blinking uncontrollably] I guess I’ll come back after I renew.

Manager: *winking back* This workout is on me.


Me: Oh yeah, baby. Tie me up and put a blindfold on me…Grrrr.

Him: Erm…I’m only here to rob the bank…and I have a boyfriend.


“I’m Sorry”
“My Bad”

Mean The Same Thing.

Unless You’re At A Funeral.


Someone called me stupid and then blocked me before I even had a chance to agree with them.


One of my girlfriend’s bras made it into the dryer.
It was nice knowing you guys.


THERAPIST: tell me about your childhood

THE PREDATOR FROM ALIEN VS PREDATOR: well, when I was a child predator…

THERAPIST: ok, first let’s talk about phrasing