@KevinHart4real

Good morning people…..I woke up feeling myself this morning….wait that doesn’t sound right. What I meant is I woke up feeling confidant

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@TheAndrewNadeau

Being a hermit crab is hard because every time you’re naked you’re also homeless and that’s literally the worst time to be naked

@juliussharpe

I took over 50,000 steps today by taping my fitness bracelet to my Roomba.

@sixfootcandy

[Museum]
Guard: Ma’am, please don’t touch the statue.
Me: But I’m almost finished painting her toenails.

@thesulk

Hulu coming to PS3. Finally I can watch TV on my TV.

@chudneyspears

I’m getting dangerously close to the age where I type the thing I’m searching for into the status update field.

@SilverKick

Emotions don’t scare me. People who manage to hide theirs completely, do.

@Pork_Chop_Hair

I don’t think the water lizards run on the water always. I think it’s a “oh hey I forgot something” or “shit it’s the cops, run” thing.

@DaddyJew

“STOP TELLING ME WHAT TO DO”

– I yell to my children

@hyperblastchic

Fried potatoes
Mashed potatoes
Baked potatoes
Twice baked potatoes
Potato chips

-if Bubba grew up on a potato farm instead of a shrimp boat

@Divergentmama

I just took a DNA test turns out I’m 100% a passive aggressive mom but if you called once in awhile you would know that.