@KevinHart4real

Good morning people…..I woke up feeling myself this morning….wait that doesn’t sound right. What I meant is I woke up feeling confidant

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@KeetPotato

wife: can you stop messing around
lawyer: im not
wife: just read my husband’s will please
lawyer: that’s what it says.. “oOoOoh im a ghost”

@smashbrown_

Gas prices have me feeling like I’m robbing the gas station. “Just leave, before they change their mind.”

@PwrFulWmn

You know what rhymes with, “I’m Fine” ?

“More Wine”

@TomTheWicked

Daughter: why does that guy with the whistle keep interrupting the football game?

Me: because mommy isn’t there to do it.

@michaeldean0116

‘I like the smell of your meat’ may not have been the best greeting to the hot waiter at the BBQ joint I picked for lunch.

@AndrewNadeau0

Band:Make some noise!
Crowd:WOOO!
Me:THATS SO VAGUE! WHAT KIND OF NOISE?!
B:I cant hear u!
C:WOOO!
M:B/C UR PLAN WAS FLAWED FROM THE START!

@tinatbh

Me: Wanna see pics of my dog?

Person: No

Me: Great! This is him playing. This is him sleeping. This is him being the CUTEST DOG EVER.

@Skoog

dracula: you gotta stop

me: [after turning another vegan into a vampire] lmao but they get SO mad

@SeiYoung83

*looks up from phone*

Great, I’m inside of a coffin again.