Being a hermit crab is hard because every time you’re naked you’re also homeless and that’s literally the worst time to be naked
Good morning people…..I woke up feeling myself this morning….wait that doesn’t sound right. What I meant is I woke up feeling confidant
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I took over 50,000 steps today by taping my fitness bracelet to my Roomba.
Guard: Ma’am, please don’t touch the statue.
Me: But I’m almost finished painting her toenails.
Hulu coming to PS3. Finally I can watch TV on my TV.
I’m getting dangerously close to the age where I type the thing I’m searching for into the status update field.
Emotions don’t scare me. People who manage to hide theirs completely, do.
I don’t think the water lizards run on the water always. I think it’s a “oh hey I forgot something” or “shit it’s the cops, run” thing.
“STOP TELLING ME WHAT TO DO”
– I yell to my children
Twice baked potatoes
-if Bubba grew up on a potato farm instead of a shrimp boat
I just took a DNA test turns out I’m 100% a passive aggressive mom but if you called once in awhile you would know that.