wife: can you stop messing around
lawyer: im not
wife: just read my husband’s will please
lawyer: that’s what it says.. “oOoOoh im a ghost”
Good morning people…..I woke up feeling myself this morning….wait that doesn’t sound right. What I meant is I woke up feeling confidant
You Might Also Like
Gas prices have me feeling like I’m robbing the gas station. “Just leave, before they change their mind.”
I just ran over a tree, a 5’2″ blonde screaming tree with a purse.
You know what rhymes with, “I’m Fine” ?
Daughter: why does that guy with the whistle keep interrupting the football game?
Me: because mommy isn’t there to do it.
‘I like the smell of your meat’ may not have been the best greeting to the hot waiter at the BBQ joint I picked for lunch.
Band:Make some noise!
Me:THATS SO VAGUE! WHAT KIND OF NOISE?!
B:I cant hear u!
M:B/C UR PLAN WAS FLAWED FROM THE START!
Me: Wanna see pics of my dog?
Me: Great! This is him playing. This is him sleeping. This is him being the CUTEST DOG EVER.
dracula: you gotta stop
me: [after turning another vegan into a vampire] lmao but they get SO mad
*looks up from phone*
Great, I’m inside of a coffin again.