Good morning people…..I woke up feeling myself this morning….wait that doesn’t sound right. What I meant is I woke up feeling confidant
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Me: I’m 29, I’m not that old! I have my whole life ahead of me.
Me around a 20 year old: I am the grim spectre of death. I have seen empires rise and fall like the endless shifting dunes. Time has no meaning.
My shoes have cute flowers on them so of course I’m looking at those instead of watching where I’m going
the mechanic said it would be $800 to fix my brakes and I actually thought “how badly do I need them”
MOBSTER: *cracks knuckles*
ME: that supposed to intimidate me?
*his fingers start to glow like glowsticks*
ME: k I’m scared but thats rad
“Once COVID is over” is starting to sound a lot like some “Lemme borrow five bucks I’ll pay you back I swear” bullshit.
My smart washer was hacked by the Russians so I couldn’t do laundry today, at least that’s what I’m going to tell her.
I want a job waking people up that I dislike.
Or I guess I could just get married
I want to be the reason you look at your phone and smile while walking and then hit your head on a pole and faint. 🤪😂
Me: OMG, I haven’t seen you in so long!
Her: We’ve never met.
Me: That long huh?
nothing turns on a necrophiliac detective like cold, hard evidence
they advertised mcmuffins for only a buck
ants in the garden ? Run a hose from your bbq gas cylinder and put it into the ants nest and turn it on, just a little, removed hose and carefully light the hole… what could possibly go wrong??
I told my boyfriend to show me pictures of my outfits that I ordered and I for sure was not expecting this…
Alcohol is a perfect solvent: It dissolves marriages, families and careers.
These are my emotional support Pringles.
*On death bed*
Me: I’ve killed…so many..* whole family gasps while gazing intently*
Me: …so many…DM Rooms
“Interested in mail enhancement?”
Me: u mean ‘male’ enhancement
“No. [whispering] what if I told u I could get ur mail like so fast bro”
Incredible news from Britain. This changes everything
[meeting my gf’s parents]
her: *quietly* don’t worry, my dad’s nice but he doesn’t say much[later]
her dad: I love my daughter very a lot
me: i see
My last turkey joke was deleted due to fowl language.
#Thanksgiving #RubbishJokes #ThursdayMorning
who named it sea urchin and not snorkupine
I have a splitting headache today.
Voldemort must be back from the dead and attempting to kill me.
[grocery store]
Me (chewing): why are these grapes expensive
Cashier: We know ppl eat them before they pay
Me (still chewing): well I never
Just got myself some new
memory foam shoes.Maybe now I’ll remember
why I walked in the room.
She who has black counters shalt not purchase black cell phones
My house is almost 80 years old, so are some of the spiders, judging by the size of them.
85% of conversations with my mom is trying to figure out who the “she” in her story is.
non-fungible…that’s when you’re allergic to mushrooms right?
JOHN LENNON: Imagine all the people living life in peace.
ME: That’s beautiful.
CARL DOUGLAS: Okay, now imagine they were kung fu fighting.
ME: No you’re right that’s better. Carl’s is better.
Are folks still buyin’ those weighted blankets and whatnot? Were their normal-a** blankets just flyin’ off in the middle of the night? “It happened again, Melissa. I gotta sew some sandbags into that shit.”