@leifromloihi: good morning, this is your captain speaking. my parents made sure that from a young age i understood that there are things worse than death.
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@RocketRankoon: *GF walks in dressed up "Who's the babe and what've you done with my gf?" GF: Haha *tackles imposter and puts her in choke hold WHERE IS SHE
@MenHumor: Dear McDonald's, Thank you for not selling hot dogs. I don't think I could order a McWiener with a straight face.
@gruffybeard: Me: You're clingy & adorable. Like a koala. Her: I'm amazed you can spell koala. Me: *deletes 'how to spell coalla' from browser history*
@dannyschof81: nothing worse than an american 'alcoholic' who enters rehab because they drink in a month what a normal british person would on a two hour train journey.