good morning, this is your captain speaking. my parents made sure that from a young age i understood that there are things worse than death.
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ME: You coming to the party?
FRIEND: Will it be rad?-
M: -ish.
F: I guess I’ll come.
[Later at the radish party]
F: I think I misunderstood
oh to be a capybara in an open air bath with an orange on its head
[interview for waiter position]
Manager: “So how experienced are you at carrying multiple plates?”
Stegosaurus: “You’re kidding me right?”
“You don’t have to try on every outfit on sale, you know”, my mum, clearly not knowing how a sale works.
I’ve seen your area rug, and you sir are not single.
The umbrella was going to be called brella, but the inventor hesitated.
Me: I prefer telling outside jokes.
Coworker: Don’t you mean inside jokes?
Me: Not to you
They did not miss in the small print
I’ll never understand the appeal of TV shows about food. To me that’s like listening to the Victoria Secret Fashion Show on the radio.
newspaper editor: can you do a short local weather report?
me: it’s fine by me
newspaper editor: that’s perfect, thanks!
INSPECTOR: do you use growth hormones?
ME: our cows are completely organic
*ground trembles & alarms flash*
ME: Oh no! Steakosaurus Rex has escaped!
I’ll take a bullet for you but if a clown shows up somewhere you on your own
Next on Fox News, men on women’s issues, white men on black issues, rich men discuss the poor and straight men talk about gays.
Grocery store
Me: reach something for me?
Tall guy: sure thing!
Me: I have an itch right under my left shoulder blade.
Thanks to a fan for this one.
I’m biased: I have four buttocks.
Fwiw it’s worth I’ve never assumed that Popeye was human, I believe he is a weird shaved animal that sorta-talks ?
911: what’s your emerg-
ME: I’VE BEEN SHOT
911: …why would you interrupt me like that?
I want cake, to get cake I must get dressed, to get dressed I have to get out of bed, to get out of bed I need cake.
Ever notice most Ford names are more fun to say when you put “anal” in front of them?
Probe, Explorer, Excersion, Ranger…
[roommate hears me come in]
“how was the date?”
[face sucked back and teeth showing like im skydiving] apparently, I’m allergic to shellfish
We like the way Dwight thinks
What if UFO’s are just Jeff Bezos type guys from other galaxies?
“Who let the dogs out” they ask. “No idea” I say. They let me go. As I walk away from the police station my limp slowly disappears.
doctor: open up
me: it all started when my dad left
doctor: and say ahh
me: oh
doctor: no, “ahh”
Kid 1: *super tired, falls asleep early*
Me: *gets hopes up for easy bedtime*
Kid 2: *hold my espresso*
Just tried to put my seatbelt on.
AT MY DESK.
I’m pretty.
*watching horror movie where young couple moves into new house & scary things happen* This is unrealistic they could never afford this house
I wonder if serial killers ever leave their knives on the edge of the sink in case they may want to commit two murders.