good morning, this is your captain speaking. my parents made sure that from a young age i understood that there are things worse than death.
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Just got my second Covid vax. So now I’m going to need another excuse for why I’m not having sex.
me: wats ur favorite cheese
date: camembert
me: o thats ok let me kno when u remember
I’m too rational for astrology. Why would I ask a goat in the sky to tell my fortune when I can consult the entrails of an actual goat right here on Earth?
I prefer to dance when someone is watching, you know, in case I need medical attention.
“Of all the cheeses, you are my all-time favourite.”
Me, to whatever cheese I’m currently eating.
Vince Vaughn supports the right to carry guns in public. So if you ever wander into 1 of his movies, you can just shoot yourself.
It took me three decades to become an overnight success.
Me: you’re gonna sleep with the fishes
Informant: why?
Me: for spilling the beans
Informant: I didn’t-
Me: shut your fern gully
Informant: what
Me: don’t give me no sammy jammy
Informant: ok now you’re making these up
Me: *leans forward* looks like we got us a bulbasaur
Boss: Can I have a word with you?
Me: umbrella
me: the doctor said i have to stay in bed
boss: ok how long?
me: just a normal bed
[inventing chalk]
We want something that young children can use to play and learn with, but we also need to be able to outline dead bodies.
Some of my friends are discussing why Harrison Ford is still playing Indiana Jones but honestly, having an 80-year-old professor not retire is like the most accurate part of the franchise
We’re finally out of lockdown!!!
Spare a thought for Melbourne waxing business on Wednesday morning. They gonna see some scary shit.
One of the most effective forms of birth control is assembling furniture together as a couple.
*me, dead for several years, in my casket six feet in the earth. suddenly, my phone, which i insisted on being buried with me, lights up*
{linkedin notification} congratulate david crandall on working 4 years at the ground beef station at taco bell
I don’t have a 17 step nightly skin regimen; I need that time to google if a Crocodile would win a fight with an Alligator.
Premarital counseling should be having the couple put together IKEA furniture with limited Wi-Fi connection. #weddingparty #romance
I’m so old, I remember when a hashtag was called a pound sign.
And before that, we used to play Tic-Tac-Toe on that shit.
I’m cash poor but spare-napkins-in-my-glove-compartment rich
An egg with 28 followers says I’m not funny. So if you need me, I’ll just be in the kitchen making an omelette.
Some of my best friends started out as bad choices.
Actually officer, if you factor in the earth’s rotation, we were all speeding
You haven’t lived until you’ve had a dog give you the “Jesus Christ go to bed already” look
Some people like instant gratification but I prefer mine brewed slowly from freshly ground gratification beans
I’m “my wife will just leave me behind if I loiter too long at Target” years married.
Everyone hates their job until someone brings cupcakes in.
Of course I wear a mask. It came with the white van.
Life is a letter soup that has too many consonants and not enough vowels and all you can spell is borscht
my wife’s lover: what about your husband
“he won’t be home from the camouflage store for hours”
[plant in the corner cocks gun]
[murder scene]
DETECTIVE: Let’s run through the suspects.
PARTNER: Okay.
DETECTIVE: Who’s the most likely?
PARTNER: The husband, for sure.
DETECTIVE: Who else?
PARTNER: Her business partner.
DETECTIVE: And, the least likely?
PARTNER: *shrugs* Tom Hanks, I guess.