good morning to everyone but especially my dog who got herself stuck in a folding chair and instead of barking for help just waddled around with it on her back like some kind of hermit crab
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Me: I’ll take these shovels. Do you carry limes
Cashier: *suspicious* Do you mean lime?
Me: Which one goes in rum and coke?
Cashier: Limes
Me: The other one, the dead body one
He tripped, and the laundry basket fell to floor, spilling clothes everywhere.
I sat back and watched it all unfold.
Me: After all these years, I feel like all you offer me is false support
Limb technician:…well it’s kinda my job Greg, otherwise you’d be hopping home.
me: I want you to be you but also all mine
pizza: [cheesing seductively]
[In emergency room]
mom 1: my kid needed 12 stitches! how about yours?
dr. frankenstein: 75,000.
“Marisa Tomei” is an anagram for “It’s-a me, Mario”
My wife and I decided to have a no phones dinner date and now we can’t look at the menu.
My fortune cookie message read :
“You appeal to a small, select group
of confused people” ….Uh huh ….
I don’t go to the circus. Not because I’m scared of clowns, but because I’m scared of people who go to the circus.
I’m getting the sneaking suspicion that my therapist isn’t the one who’s supposed to be crying during our sessions.
February 2020 – *looks at phone to check the date*
April 2020 – *looks at phone to check what day of the week it is*
gf: ooh a blindfold, kinky
me: *seductively* ill go get the piñata
I love strippers. They’re awesome. Plus I can’t get my girlfriend to do shit for a dollar.
“Honey,can u make the dinner reservations for 3 instead of 2 tonight? Debby’s coming”
“We’re not bring ur new chainsaw-”
“HER NAME’S DEBBY”
Being a grandpa must be tough, some baby mispronounces a word and suddenly your name is “Peepo” for the last 30 years of your life
Me: Is…is this a toenail?
Kid: Yes
Me: Why did you hand me a toenail?
Kid: Because I want to take it home
Me: Is it YOUR toenail?
Kid: Yes
Me: Throw it out, please
Kid: No, it’s a part of me
Me: Do you save all your toenails?
Kid: No…should I?!
Me: DEAR GOD, NO!
Peter Pan: just think happy thoughts!
Me: um, ok
[1 hour later]
Peter: *pouring prozac into my hand* look we don’t have all goddamn night
Goodnight 🐶
I don’t care how much candy he offers you, kids, do NOT get out of Billy Ocean’s dreams and into his car.
To the idiots who say ghosts aren’t real, maybe you should watch this documentary called Ghostbusters.
Horse buying tip: ALWAYS ask how much horsepower a horse has. If a horse has less than one horsepower, you’ve got yourself a crap horse.
As my friend Joe’s last wish I had him cremated and sprinkled his ashes into the coffee pots at work..all morning everyone had a cup of Joe
*presses shuffle on 900 song playlist
Spotify: IMMA ONLY JUST PLAY THESE 12 EVER
When a tough guy comes at me like “Hey! You want some of THIS?!” I’m scared, but also it’s like… thank you for asking, you know?
Buddhist Monk sees kid in Nirvana t-shirt:
“You like Nirvana? What’s your favorite step on the 8-fold Path?”
Kid: Nevermind
“Yeah, me, too.”
When I joined the ski patrol, I had only one mission in mind: fighting crime on ski slopes. I left quietly soon after.
Wife: we can’t curse around the kids anymore.
Me: what should I say instead of bull-
Wife: shhh say snake instead.
Me: [whispers] this is snakeshit.
JUDAS: any weekend plans?
JESUS: either exploring a cave or sleeping in, haven’t decided
JUDAS: maybe you’ll do both
JESUS: what?
JUDAS: what?
Torn right now about whether I want to learn Mastodon or just start guessing everyone’s email address.
Heading to an estate sale to collect some cool stuff for my estate sale when I die.