good morning to everyone but especially my dog who got herself stuck in a folding chair and instead of barking for help just waddled around with it on her back like some kind of hermit crab

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God: Finally a day of rest. I could really use a chicken sandwich and a milkshake.
*walks up to Chick-fil-A*


what if there is no placebo effect and sugar is just really healthy in pill form


Michelle Obama telling America to drink more water is the best plan I’ve heard for making racists dehydrate to death.


Her: I want you to kill my ex but make it seem like an accident

Me: say no more


Detective: looks like the killer beat him to death with a crowbar and then placed a banana peel by his feet


“What’d you do today”
“Went on a treasure hunt”
“I hope you mean job hunt”
“Treasure hunt”
“You need to find a job”
“Not if I find treasure”


Jesus: I don’t wanna stay with Mary and Joseph this weekend
God: you know the deal, you can live here with me but Christmas & Easter you stay with them
Jesus: Christmas and what?
God: what


At what point does the dentist stop giving you toothbrushes? Dude, I’m forty. I have one.


“Dad, these glasses make everything look much bigger!”

*Snatches glass and hands to my wife


I love Halloween because I can buy 9 bags of Snickers and everyone thinks I’m going to pass them out to kids.


As of last night my mom has more Aerosmith tattoos than my sister again. For now anyway.