@Kristen_Arnett

good morning to everyone but especially my dog who got herself stuck in a folding chair and instead of barking for help just waddled around with it on her back like some kind of hermit crab

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@leechee420

The package says “Do not eat raw cookie dough” but all I really see is “Pillsbury hates you and doesn’t want you to be happy.”

@Browtweaten

me: how can I seem confident on my date?

friend: act like you own the place

[later]

her: thanks for picking me up

me: where’s the rent

@Amber_duds

For the past 2 nights my stomach sounds like cat purring when I lay down. I’m terrified to Web MD this. I’m too young to have kittens.

@vineyille

It says here on your resume that you’re “good at traps,” could you expand on that while I investigate this pile of leaves on the floor?

@coolidiot2000

[doctors exam]

“I’m feeling a lump here. Here’s another. You have several lumps.”

-uh oh, what does that mean doc?

“it means you’re fat”

@DaddyJew

Judge: order in the court, ORDER IN THE COURT

Me on the witness stand:*lips pressed against the mic* 2 hot dogs and a milkshake, your honor

@TurnpikeTony

“Dora” only rhymes with “Explorer” if you’re from Long Island, New York

@HashtagAbdul

Police on bikes arresting someone:

“You’re under arrest. Get in the basket”

@7_Cents

The name’s Bondjamesbond. James Bondjamesbond.

@Khanoisseur

Preferred way to connect with me (ranked most to least):
1. Text
2. Twitter DM
3. Email
4. Phone
5. Climb through my window
6. LinkedIn