good morning to everyone but especially my dog who got herself stuck in a folding chair and instead of barking for help just waddled around with it on her back like some kind of hermit crab

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The package says “Do not eat raw cookie dough” but all I really see is “Pillsbury hates you and doesn’t want you to be happy.”


me: how can I seem confident on my date?

friend: act like you own the place


her: thanks for picking me up

me: where’s the rent


For the past 2 nights my stomach sounds like cat purring when I lay down. I’m terrified to Web MD this. I’m too young to have kittens.


It says here on your resume that you’re “good at traps,” could you expand on that while I investigate this pile of leaves on the floor?


[doctors exam]

“I’m feeling a lump here. Here’s another. You have several lumps.”

-uh oh, what does that mean doc?

“it means you’re fat”


Judge: order in the court, ORDER IN THE COURT

Me on the witness stand:*lips pressed against the mic* 2 hot dogs and a milkshake, your honor


“Dora” only rhymes with “Explorer” if you’re from Long Island, New York


Police on bikes arresting someone:

“You’re under arrest. Get in the basket”


The name’s Bondjamesbond. James Bondjamesbond.


Preferred way to connect with me (ranked most to least):
1. Text
2. Twitter DM
3. Email
4. Phone
5. Climb through my window
6. LinkedIn