good morning to everyone but especially the cat who stuck her entire paw in my cup of coffee
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HER: i’m leaving u
ME: is it bc i never listen to u
HER: yes
ME: k see u tonight
The department of wildlife got back to me and said there’s nothing they can do about the size of crows.
My husband says it’s not my chin hairs that embarrass him, it’s how I’m constantly trying to yank them out in public.
GOD: it’s time I punished the humans again
JESUS: cool. flood or plague?
GOD:[watching The Apprentice] oh I’ve something way worse in mind..
Today’s weather from Yorkshire
this lady on tiktok shared that her daughter was getting bullied at school so she set up a meeting with the bully’s parents and the bully. the bully’s mum was rude so she beat up the mum and told the kid “i’ll beat up your mum every day until you stop touching my child.” 😭😭😭
Spider van
Spider van
How do spiders drive a van?
10 on top
10 below
Where would you like to go?
Get in.
Get in the Spider Van.
30% of the world’s coal production is used by Santa to insult our shittiest children
I asked my brothers why they’re getting two separate ps5s when they live in the same house and can share, and they told me to go share my phone with my mum😑
6-year-old: Did you know an octopus has 9 brains?
Me: I did not know that.
6-year-old: That’s because you only have 1 brain.
Some people like pineapple on pizza and some people like pizza on pineapple
BOSS: I see you got the memo about not vaping in the men’s restroom?
ME: [vaping in the ladies restroom] I did.
I rarely eat kale chips, but when I do-I eat them condescendingly and self-righteously.
I automatically write off anything Donald Trump says because someone with that much money has no excuse for that hair.
A good Scotch should taste like how a haunted 17th century wardrobe smells.
Super convenient that my arms came with cup holders.
[getting murdered]
me: are u Scottish
murderer: yes
me: then u could say i’m being kilt
[murdering intensifies]
Women! Can’t live with ’em, can’t sell ’em or Liam Neeson will find you and kill you.
4 dudes 1 kickflip #Skateboarding #skatetwitter
i’ll never forget when I was in the 3rd grade and my teacher asked us to draw our favorite season and I drew salt
The fact that we don’t use towels to dry towels makes me question the value of towels.
Speed dating
(Don’t say anything embarrassing)
“So do you ever eat raisins and then later poop rehydrated grapes?”
(DAMMIT!)
me: do we have anything for a headache
wife: try the cupboard
me: won’t that get stuck in my throat
I once accidentally broke up with a girl on a broken-down train, when I said “I don’t think this is going anywhere.”
Am getting real tired of your crap…
What light through yonder window breaks…
Oh, wow, the sun really shows up how dirty the glass is!
Sorry I hit you with my car over and over… but you kept getting up.
looks legit
Friday The 13th is only a horror movie if you care about teenagers.