“Nine Foods You Should Never Eat Again”
Also known as the contents of my refrigerator.
good morning to everyone but especially to the woman in the dunkin donuts who smashed two glazed donuts together and ate them like a sandwich
You Might Also Like
I’m not saying becoming a parent ages you, but when I started having kids I was 24, and now I’m 117.
Doctor: Are you a danger to yourself or others?
Me: You mean I have to pick one?
When I go to Subway I always bring a pair of pants that are 10 times to big for me and high five all the workers.
Me: *uses fake avi*
Them: You must be fat and ugly.
Me: *uses real avi*
Them: That’s a filter. You must be fat and ugly.
Me: Fine. I’m fat and ugly.
Them: Omg stop! You are not.
Me working 60+ hrs a week: I have 15 minutes free, so I should do 5 things.
Me unemployed: I can’t take a shower in less than 8 hours.
Everybody is a kid of some decade, but “90’s kids” are the only ones who are annoying about it.
WIFE: [holding newborn baby] Ive never been so proud of anything in my life
ME:[thinking about that one time I drew a perfect giraffe] same
As an alcoholic I learned that if the light in the bathroom comes on automatically, you’re probably peeing in the fridge.
Him: “Age is just a number.”
Me: “Technically, age is a word….”
Anyways, that’s how I ended up blocked.