@Kristen_Arnett

good morning to everyone but especially to the woman in the dunkin donuts who smashed two glazed donuts together and ate them like a sandwich

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@CastAwayKristen

“Nine Foods You Should Never Eat Again”

Also known as the contents of my refrigerator.

@LoveNLunchmeat

I’m not saying becoming a parent ages you, but when I started having kids I was 24, and now I’m 117.

@TheHappySquirrl

Doctor: Are you a danger to yourself or others?
Me: You mean I have to pick one?

@shatterpants

When I go to Subway I always bring a pair of pants that are 10 times to big for me and high five all the workers.

@_salt_n_lime

Me: *uses fake avi*
Them: You must be fat and ugly.

Me: *uses real avi*
Them: That’s a filter. You must be fat and ugly.

Me: Fine. I’m fat and ugly.
Them: Omg stop! You are not.

@lmegordon

Me working 60+ hrs a week: I have 15 minutes free, so I should do 5 things.

Me unemployed: I can’t take a shower in less than 8 hours.

@13spencer

Everybody is a kid of some decade, but “90’s kids” are the only ones who are annoying about it.

@rockymomax

WIFE: [holding newborn baby] Ive never been so proud of anything in my life

ME:[thinking about that one time I drew a perfect giraffe] same

@superherofbmx

As an alcoholic I learned that if the light in the bathroom comes on automatically, you’re probably peeing in the fridge.

@TheWidowmakerX

Him: “Age is just a number.”

Me: “Technically, age is a word….”

Anyways, that’s how I ended up blocked.