good morning to everyone but especially to the woman in the dunkin donuts who smashed two glazed donuts together and ate them like a sandwich
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[Couples counseling]
“It’s not good to keep these things bottles up, you know”
Okay, fine
*opens jar of wasps*
Remember when you first started driving and everything was scary. Now you’re going 80, putting salsa on your taco, driving with your knees.
When I miss my parents I put 12 expired salad dressings in my fridge and it feels like home
Friend: Would you ever get a tattoo?
Me: Never
Him: You’re afraid to make a permanent mistake.
Me: *looks at my 4 kids* Way ahead of you.
*sees dead squirrel on the road*
Oh, poor squirrel.
*realizes it’s just a sock*
*whispers*
poor sock
I’ve been hearing noises in the house for a while now and while Twitter was down last night I discovered I have a wife!
“Quinoa” sounds like something a ninja would say before kicking you.
My boyfriend said he wanted me to wear my sexy undies when we went out!
Cop: just put your clothes back on, you’re scaring the people at poundland
no, babe. i haven’t seen your glasses.
Men’s jeans: We have 1000 sizes. What is your waist? What is your height? Where are your hips?
Women’s jeans: We have two sizes, Chickpea and Sycamore
The scariest part of packing is making sure you unpacked all the drugs from the last time you traveled
I’ve always wanted a monkey, so I bought one at auction today.
I’ve had him about an hour now.
Anyway….. Monkey for Sale.
My kid started doing this annoying preteen whiny voice and now I can turn my head all the way around like the exorcist.
Call me a hopeless romantic, but there’s nothing like a candlelit dinner to obscure the rodent droppings in my storage unit.
How is it my dog understands the word no, but my children don’t?
Gold fish don’t like being pulled out of their tank for a cuddle.
HER: I love classic rock
ME: [trying to impress] I’ve been to the Grand Canyon
The Dalai Lama prefers quiet restaurants in order to find dinner peace.
Me: “Don’t piss me off, I can rip a phone book in half.”
10yo: “A phone what?”
We mostly tweet about the velociraptors and the t rex because we don’t know what the other ones are called
My wife tried calling the cable company and they put her on hold for 58 seconds…
58 seconds…
58 whole seconds…
Then she hung up, because she said “it felt like forever.”
…where was that attitude on our wedding night???
My son: I need a nap, I’m so tired.
Me: Aw buddy – didn’t sleep good last night?
My son: no, I just couldn’t sleep in class today like I usually do.
Me:
Yet another unrealistic beauty standard smh
Boy becomes Jedi, gets married, turns evil, has twins, becomes Darth Vader, complicated crap, ewoks. Boom, STAR WARS. You’re welcome, girls.
2020: My work here is done. Nothing will ever top my masterpiece.
2021: Hold my Mountain Dew.
My kids want a second dog for me to feed, walk and clean up after for Christmas.
waiting for the exact moment these birds fall asleep so i can scream profanities at them nonstop for a few hours
Tomb = Toom
Womb = Woom
Bomb = Boom
Kanye West Presents:
KANYE ON BROADWAY
Featuring:
“Papa, Kanye Hear Me?”
“Kanye Feel the Love Tonight”
“I Am a Few of My Favorite Things”
Art: Stop it.
Life: *mockingly* Stopp iiit.