“Ohhh, a knife! What are you gonna do, stab me or something?”
– Guy about to get stabbed bad
good morning to everyone but especially to the woman in the dunkin donuts who smashed two glazed donuts together and ate them like a sandwich
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I want my remains to be scattered all over the beach when I die.
Also, I don’t want to be cremated.
My 2 year old wanted to race me home from daycare and I am TOTALLY winning. I don’t even see her tricycle in my rear-view mirror.
I overheard my daughter asking the little boy next door, “Are you the opposite sex, or am I.”
If your kid’s shitty kindergarten drawing is hanging on your fridge, you are an enabler of mediocrity.
I wish I was a better person
genie: kind of a low bar but ok
when will chicken evolve to the point where they hatch already coated in 11 secret yet oh so delicious herbs and spices?
I don’t care how old you are, the only safe way to guarantee the monster under the bed doesn’t grab you is to use the run and jump method.
I’m teaching my son to say “Please,” and “Thank you,” and “Come with me if you want to live.”
My psychiatrist tells me it’s just transference, but I’m pretty sure I love anyone who will listen to my problems armed with a prescription pad.