The first step when putting on a fitted sheet is, nope, it goes the other way.
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My rose versus your carnation.
FLORAL COMBAT!
My neighbors act like they’ve never seen a grown man watering flowers in a speedo.
I just tried to place an order for coffee but my husband hung up on me.
*Arrives at ticket stall with my girl* Me: Two tickets to the movie please. Attendant: For The Hobbit? Me: No, that’s my girlfriend.
Me: what’s your job
Them: I’m a bank teller
Me: *nervously* what do you tell it
As a responsible parent, I gave my kids a healthy breakfast of strawberries w/ milk & a little sugar…
frozen.
OK IT WAS ICE CREAM!
FitFam?
Nothing warms the heart like seeing the tail lights of your houseguests.
me: you’re brothers?
mario: that’s-a right!
me: which explains why you dress the same
luigi: that’s-a right!
me: [pointing to wario & waluigi] ok wait but then who are they?
mario: [whispering, fear in his voice] honestly dude we have no idea what their deal is
My son screamed “watch out dad” in the crosswalk bc of a blatantly obvious car 😭. I said thanks. He said, “i couldnt let my dad get squished bc i might not like my step dad”
ME: how did you get disbarred
ATTORNEY: i gave kittens to all the jurors
ME: *gasps* you mean
ATTORNEY: that’s right, i *adjusts sunglasses* committed purr jury
When I was a kid, my mum used to run a dating site for chickens. She did whatever she could to make hens meet.
I wonder how many mini Reese’s cups I can fit in each cheek before my facial recognition stops working?
[moving day]
Me: Here we go. Bye house.
Husband: You forgot the kids.
Me: I filled out a change of address card. They’ll find us eventually.
I was dismissed from my responsibilities as church usher because I kept using finger guns to point out available seats.
* pew pew *
One of the kids said, “Camping looks fun,” so tonight we’re watching The Revenant.
You wish you had this many chins.
I want to have the kind of hope my dog has when the kids walk around eating chips.
[cashier slapping the Cool Ranch chips out of my hand]: Oh no you don’t, nerd
I told my toddler that I loved her and she blew raspberries at me. Not quite the response I’d expected.
Nothing good ever comes after: “I’m not trying to be creepy, but…”
I bought a baby monitor but my house is very small so now I just get to listen to my son cry in surround sound.
Don’t you wish it was as easy to adjust the brightness level on people as it is on your phone?
“A wine please”
“Sir, this is McDonalds…”
“Okay, a McWine please”
My kids: *arguing* MOM WHO IS YOUR FAVORITE KID
Me: Connor
Kids: The boy next door?
Me: Yep
Kids: We meant out of us
Me: Still Connor
You’re not bald my friend. You are just taller than your hair.
Someone stole my car’s steering wheel.
I just can’t handle it anymore.
it says here you got fired from Olive Garden because you kept saying
“pasta la vista, baby” to people. why would you put that on a resume
When your 13yo is live streaming her makeup application in the bathroom you are obligated to open the door and loudly ask if she’s done pooping.
Pretty rude of this cop to pull me over while I’m trying to change my pinned tweet
HBO gave me unrealistic expectations about how many woman would be named Siobhan