@Jandalize

Good morning to everyone except people that can tell the difference between ‘Under Pressure’ and ‘Ice Ice Baby’ as soon at the song starts.

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@

a:2:{i:0;a:5:{s:4:”user”;s:11:”gingerfaced”;s:5:”image”;s:98:”http://a0.twimg.com/profile_images/344513261568426631/e31fd3ca39dbd4f09de281d9a332a202_bigger.jpeg”;s:6:”id_str”;s:18:”348116839743750144″;s:7:”retweet”;s:2:”58″;s:5:”tweet”;s:123:”*walks in with a bottle of aspirin, hands it to girl*

Her: I don’t have a headache.

Me: alright then, we can fool around.”;}s:7:”retweet”;i:0;}

@shopkins776

I never make New Year’s resolutions. I just carry the ones over from the previous year and add “This time I’m serious”

@Social_Mime

Middle of the night In bed:
*Loud noise*
Wife – Did you hear that?
Me –
Wife – I said did you hear that?
Me (under the bed) – Yes

@MEQ_777

Question : if you fart at the gym can people wearing headphones still smell it?

Asking for a friend

@JaneanPatience

Leonard Cohen is jamming in heaven with Prince now. Really awkwardly. It’s not going well. Their musical styles aren’t compatible

@sip_at_home_mom

Toddler misbehaves, but follows it up with throwing his hands in the air and yelling “Ta-da!” so he won’t get in trouble.
Stealing it.

@funflaps

Great news everyone! Brontosaurus is a planet again.

@sonictyrant

girlfriend: okay fine, but promise it won’t be like last time

me: *Already kicking kids out of the bouncy castle* THIS. IS. SPARTA!

@UnFitz

Earthlings are the most dangerous of all the lings.