Good morning to everyone except people that can tell the difference between ‘Under Pressure’ and ‘Ice Ice Baby’ as soon at the song starts.
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Carl: So hot today.
Me: Tell me something I don’t know.
Carl: During WW II, Americans tried to train bats to drop bombs.
Me: Fair enough.
The inventor of Chapstick died today. Unfortunately his body was lost while being transferred to the morgue.
My personal favorite unit of measurement is whether or not something is considered “a big whoop”
My daughter is serious about a guy she fell in love with at the zoo. She says he’s a keeper.
No one makes more observations than a child sharing a stall with his mother inside a public restroom.
Not all heroes wear capes…
stop telling me to be the bigger person giants are shunned in our society
Me: *scrunches my face*
13: Your forehead looks like one of those people from Star Trek.
Me: *gasps* HOW DARE YOU!… you know we’re a Star Wars family.
Maybe jesus needs me in his life
Super disappointing that the government is taking so long to distribute and administer the murder hornets
One time I waited 30 minutes for a bakery to open to get the best birthday party cupcakes. It was a Monday. The bakery was closed on Mondays.
I think about that a lot.
{During Mass}
Priest: Can someone please check on the woman screaming the rosary in the confessional booth?
*finally gets comfortable with you*
*starts whispering in your ear*
“oooo baby I can recite all my phobias in alpha order”
boss: we’re starting to think you don’t really value this job anymore
me: [wearing bathrobe] not sure what u mean
INTERVIEWER: this says u work well with otters. Did u mean others?
ME (shoving a romp of otters back into my briefcase): haha yeah of course
Chef: And then you just cover it with gravy and cheese
Me: Don’t stop, you’re poutine me in the mood
Hey! So I have a new YouTube channel. It’s a desperate attempt to make some $$$ (survival reasons) – Think you could support and subscribe?
While we are here, if you have feedback on the new site design, please let me know – trying to address one by one. Someone told me that there are way too many ads now, I have reduced the number of ads and increased the no. of funny tweets per page. Can’t wait to hear from you!
older woman => young dude: cougar
older man => young women: manther
older man => younger men: faguar
older woman => younger women: sheetah
“What should we call the 5th month?”
May I suggest-
“Great suggestion. May it is”
Future generations will never have to live in unprecedented times, because we’re precedenting the Hell out of everything right now.
Me: “Hey bud, do you want to pick out a new fish after school today?”
5yo: “Yeah. Are we going to order it on Amazon?”
Me: “No, we’ll go to the pet store.”
5yo: “Oh. Do THEY order it on Amazon?”
“Doc, my boyfriend & I don’t wanna get pregnant. He hates condoms & I think the jelly isn’t working.”
“What kind are you using?”
“Grape”
LAUGH IT UP NOW MILLENNIALS! IN 30 YEARS YOUR FAVORITE ACTORS WILL BE TALKING TO YOU ABOUT REVERSE MORTGAGES.
Quick, is ANYONE on this plane a singer?
I’m not moody, I’m just on shuffle
sometimes if i’m having trouble falling asleep i just pretend i’m watching lord of the rings
I bought a whole set of Ninja cookware and now I can’t find them.
Facebook: your old HS friend just sent you a friend request
me: cool!
Facebook: she’s racist now
me: uhh
Facebook: everyone on here is
the world is kind of a disaster anyways let’s do a Jurassic park, dinosaurs deserve another go
Between Man of Steel, This Is The End, and Pacific Rim, I’ve seen around 5 billion people die this summer. A personal best.