Good morning to everyone except people that eat while leaving you a voicemail.
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[at the animal shelter]
Volunteer: This cat would do best going to a quiet home with no children.
Me: Can I go with her?
Most populated places in the world:
1. China
2. India
3. United States
4. Indonesia
5. Friend Zone
6. Hell
banks: have you gone paperless yet? then go paperless! being paperless is great! oh you’ve gone paperless? THANK YOU! WE LOVE YOU! YES FOR PAPERLESS!!!!
those same banks: we need a postal letter as your proof of address document nothing else will do lol soz
if u disregard the teeth, shark attacks are actually kinda cute
If you burned CDs for the car so your original copies wouldn’t get scratched, it’s time to schedule your colonoscopy.
Just received an email saying: “Want to see Celine Dion live?”
My first thought was that it was a ransom demand.
As if it weren’t bad enough being stuck inside this increasingly failing meat chassis, why’s the calcium scaffolding gotta be weakening too?
“Check engine”
Yep, it’s still there.
everyone freaking out thinking the robot apocalypse is coming bc the google AI is sentient and it’s like okay? just add it to the apocalypse pile who cares
Everyone in “Star Wars”.
Everyone in “The Muppets”.
Everyone in “Game of Thrones”.This is now the first tweet with over 140 characters.
My husband surprised my kid by picking him up early from school to take him to an amusement park and the kid was mad because he was in the middle of a math worksheet. 😂
Ain’t no party like a pig farm party cuz a pig farm party got slop.
*bends over to pick a four leaf clover but gets struck by a falling ACME safe before doing so*
My kid can’t remember to flush the toilet but can repeat every episode of My Little Pony, word for word
BOSS: is your make up tattooed on?
ME: yeah it’s exhausting to have to put it on every single morning
BOSS: why a clown though
I never pray harder than when I’m trying on a new pair of skinny jeans.
when girls eat strawberries it’s like sexy and hot but when i eat an entire potato in one bite like a snake it’s weird???? ok
“The Perfect Relationship”
[Martian welcoming party]
We’re so excited to welcome our friends from Ear—ok it’s another robot car everybody. Why do they keep doing this
Texting random numbers “It’s done.”
Always amazed when I see people slip guns into the back of their pants. How is that comfortable? How do you not get a weapon wedgie?
nobody:
4yo: 1+8 equals curtains and zero plus 4 is ok.
Good job with the heavy sighs, guy behind me, that should definitely help speed up the line.
“You can hide but you can’t run,”
— Mama tortoise giving the lowdown to her kids
If I had a time machine, I would go back to the day we first let my daughter watch SpongeBob SquarePants and just destroy our TV
The guy in the office next to me is trying to save the company $1.7 million dollars from the IRS. Meanwhile I’m busy googleing “whale dongs”
your quarterback name is your grandfather’s first name and the last thing you did mine’s Dom Paintwall. ok you go
*pulls out stack of pancakes and completely stuffs mouth during interview*
Nexft queffstun pleeazse
“Umm. Your biggest weakness?”
Panfccakes
My landlord is very strict about dogs. It doesn’t matter how well-behaved they are. He still won’t accept them as a form of rent.
Thankful that Five-Fingered Shoes company doesn’t make pants.