People are starting to relax about coronavirus. I coughed at the grocery store and only one person tased me.
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You know you have kids when you say “see you soon” on the way out of urgent care
The older you get the only functions you attend are bodily..
They were right. I woke up this morning to find my house ransacked. My private belongings were tossed everywhere. My electronics are missing. Legos are everywhere, even in my personal office. There’s a pair of tiny blue Crocs by the door. Oh god they’re storming the bedroo-
How many mystery writers does it take to screw in a light bulb?
Two: One to screw it almost all the way in and the other to give it a surprising twist at the end
you begin to tell your eye doctor that you’ve been seeing “floaters” when he gets a strange look on his face and begins to rise
Don’t be alarmed when you’re knocking on the Gates of hell and the devil doesn’t answer….He is dealing with me.
*walks into a restaurant*
Waiter: Sir, I have Stewed Liver, Boiled Tongue & Frog’s Legs.
Me: Enough bout your problems. Get the Menu Card
We should be able take jets and tanks and stuff whenever we want, we paid for them
I’m no sadist. Some of my best friends are sad.
you want me to trust my instincts. the thing that convinced me to dye my hair black that one time
“And the award for best empty chasm goes to…Howling Void!”
HOWLING VOID: [howling]
[sees fly]
Hmm… I think I’ll name this creature “Fly.”
[sees bird]
GODDAMMIT
I was disappointed he didn’t mean the UK when he said he’d take me to pound town.
Wife: can you pick up milk?
Me, flexing: what do you think?
Wife: just get a small carton
I put some doughnuts, ice cream, and snickers bars in my blender for dessert tonight, so yeah-I juice.
Never noticed how many times the doorbell rings on The Golden Girls? Watch it with a dog.
Me: I’m a tenor.
Her: You’re a six, and I’m being generous.
I’m taking myself to the movies this afternoon. I’ll probably hold my own hand and flirt with myself too.
“No please, let me buy the m&m’s. You’re so thin.”
talking isn’t enough. i need the therapist to backhand me
[at the running of the bulls]
ME: imma try to pet ’em
Took my dog to the vet this morning. There was a dog named “snot.” Wtf is wrong with people! 😡
Interviewer: Do you have any special skills?
[Me, attempting to remove stapled sheets of paper with a sword]: no
COP: pull over
ME: lol no it’s a cardigan
My kids are always accusing me of having a favorite child which is ridiculous because I don’t really like any of them
Ending all emails in 2022 with BING BONG!
if you tell me to watch until the end, the end better be in five seconds
No son, you can’t go out with your friends. Tonight we’re installing Windows Updates, as a family.
Me: What’s for dinner?
Wife: I’m making a quinoa and kale-
Me: [already at McDonald’s]
Parents: violence is never the answer
Parents at birthday parties: BEAT THE SHIT OUT OF THAT PIÑATA
Them: “It gave me all the feelings!”
Me: “Literally just name one.”