@cravin4

Good morning to everyone except the people who prefer the taste of margarine over butter.

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@wildethingy

I could never be a serial killer. There’s far too much cleaning.

@panmidwest

ME: [repeatedly trying, and failing, to film a successful water bottle flip]
DAVID ATTENBOROUGH: experts project extinction for this species

@DothTheDoth

The woman in the Superman underwear next to me does not quite understand how white pants work.

@juliussharpe

Google Glass, for everyone who’s ever thought, “I like that browser so much, I want it on MY FACE”

@ValeeGrrl

4pm
Me: How was school today?
Kid: …

6pm
Me: Do anything fun today?
Kid: …

Bedtime
Me: Goodnight!
Kid: Guess what happened at school?

@MizzusT

Nobody in their forties looks forty, you either look young or like 83

@eric10F

“will you be paying with cash or credit?”
“Cash” *start playing “ring of fire” on my kazoo
*gets tackled by security*