Good morning to everyone except the people who prefer the taste of margarine over butter.

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I could never be a serial killer. There’s far too much cleaning.


ME: [repeatedly trying, and failing, to film a successful water bottle flip]
DAVID ATTENBOROUGH: experts project extinction for this species


The woman in the Superman underwear next to me does not quite understand how white pants work.


Google Glass, for everyone who’s ever thought, “I like that browser so much, I want it on MY FACE”


Me: How was school today?
Kid: …

Me: Do anything fun today?
Kid: …

Me: Goodnight!
Kid: Guess what happened at school?


Nobody in their forties looks forty, you either look young or like 83


“will you be paying with cash or credit?”
“Cash” *start playing “ring of fire” on my kazoo
*gets tackled by security*